update impostor post

_drafts/2018-07-07-impostor.md

@@ -7,51 +7,86 @@ tags:
 - stress in research
 ---
 
-*The final post of a series on
-[stress in research]({{ "stress%20in%20research" | tag_url | relative_url }}).*
-
 > As you know, there isn’t really any solution to self-doubt. In the end,
 > you just have to write and doubt simultaneously.  
 > --- Zadie Smith
 
+*The final post of a series on
+[stress in research]({{ "stress%20in%20research" | tag_url | relative_url }}).*
+
 A nice way to end this series would be to talk about [impostor syndrome](http://phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=1973),
 but I'm the wrong
 person to write that blog, because I don't think that I've ever literally
 felt like an impostor. My self-doubt comes out in a different way.
 
-To explain, let me get a bit more personal. An important warning.
+I'll need to get a bit more personal, but an important warning first.
 If you are currently serving on a committee that is considering whether to offer
-me a new job, promotion, prize, or award, please can you stop reading now. Thank you.
+me a new job, promotion, prize, or award, please can you stop reading now.
+Thank you.
 
-Even in my lowest moments, I'm not worried that I'll be discovered and
-exposed as a fraud. My feelings of inadequacy come out in a different, simpler
-way. I'm simply convinced that I'm not good enough.
+Now, as I said, my self-doubt comes out in a much simpler way.
+I am secretly convinced that I am not good enough.
 Not good enough for what? you ask. Anything, really.
 
-Don't worry about me. Please do not try to talk me up, tell me that
-I'm being too self-critical, and that I really am a fine researcher, and
-by the way you have always liked my papers.
-Actually I'll take the last part back: You're more than welcome to
-write to me about how much you like my papers.
-Flattery will get you nowhere, but it might make me feel better.
-
+We have already discussed how the
+[Tournament of Research]({% post_url 2018-03-03-tournament-axe %})
+is public. So I can see the accomplishments of those who have surpassed me
+in the Tournament, and secretly doubt whether I am good enough to compete.
 
-What I've decided to do is simply to accept that I am inadequate, embrace the fact that I am not good enough, and learn how to find joy in research anyway.
+I can see how quickly the field is moving, and how many new ideas
+are being introduced every few weeks, and secretly doubt
+whether I am good enough to keep up.
 
-But it's not my probem that I'm not good enough it's my employers'.
+I can see the pressing but fascinating problems that our research
+field is facing. I doubt whether I am clever enough to create new ideas
+that are subtle enough to solve these tricky problems.
 
-I can learn things and I can help my students, collaborators, etc. I'm not sure why I seem to be able to help them, because they're really smart, but as long the conversations seem to help them, I'm enjoying them, so I'll
+These all amount to the same thing.
+I am secretly convinced that I am not good
+enough to create the kind of work that I would like to create.
 
-Maybe my students are just being polite, or worried that if they let me know how useless I really am, that I won't write them a good letter of recommendation. But come on, my students are computer scientists, I'm pretty sure that they lack the social skills to deceive me.
-
-And as long as I have an outside chance to do something that really is good enough, I'm going to try.
-
-As long as I can still enjoy talking to people about new ideas
-
-As long as I can still read new papers that come out, understand their potential impact, and see opportunities to improve them
-
-As long as I can still see new directions that others aren't yet pushing on
-
-This is a similar idea to the seven year postdoc.
-
-Even if I reach the end of my career, and never do something that ever fully meets my expectaions, I've been part of a research conversation that has had an impact on society. I've trained people who have gone on to good careers. I've been part of the life of the university. That's enough to make my life worthwhile, even after all the papers that I've writen have faded into oblivion.
+Please understand that I will be all right. Please do not feel that you need to talk me up, tell me that
+I'm being too self-critical, that I am a fine researcher, and that
+you have always liked my papers.
+Actually I'll take the last part back: You're more than welcome to
+tell me how much you like my papers.
+Flattery will get you nowhere, but it will make me feel better.
+
+The reason that I will be all right is that none of these dark thoughts matter.
+I am inadequate, I am not good enough, but it does not matter.
+It does not matter because all the doubts, all those dark thoughts, are self centered claptrap,
+exercises in destructive solipsism.  The doubts are all about me,
+but when it comes to work, how I feel is unimportant.
+
+*It does not matter how good I am.*
+
+As long as I love the work
+that I do, and people are willing to pay me to do it,
+
+As long as I can keep learning things about my work,
+as long as I learn from my students, colleagues, and collaborators,
+at the same time that they seem to be learning from me,
+
+As long as I can see new directions for my work,
+to expand my knowledge and perhaps others' as well,
+
+As long as there is a chance, even a slim one, that I can create something
+that will change the way people think, or in a small way, improve
+the way the world works,
+
+As long as I can *do* all this, it does not matter how good I *am*.
+As long as there remains much to do,
+I am going to try to do it, whether I am good enough or not.
+
+Even if I reach the end of my career, and never do something that ever fully
+matches my ambitions, my work will have accomplished
+something, even if indirectly and in a small way.
+I have had the privilege to participate in the worldwide, centuries-long conversation
+of the community of scholars. And this larger conversation
+has made a difference, I am sure, even if my own part has been small.
+I have trained people who have gone on to good careers.
+I have been part of the life of the university, preserving, growing, and sharing
+knowledge. That is
+ enough to make my professional life worthwhile, even after all the papers that I've written have faded into obscurity.
+
+And that's how I deal with self doubt.