Fortunes.txt

``The most important thing is to be able to think what you want,
  not to say what you want. And if you feel you have to say
  everything you think, it may inhibit you from thinking improper
  thoughts. I think it's better to follow the opposite policy.
  Draw a sharp line between your thoughts and your speech.''
-- Paul Graham
%%
``Cadillac stopped being the Cadillac of cars in about 1970.''
-- Paul Graham
%%
``Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard!''
-- ZapTheMutant
%%
``The purpose of scientific research is to gain understanding, an
  obligation no person can delegate without giving up.''
-- E. W. Dijkstra
%%
``A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their
  pictures on silence.''
-- Leopold Stokowski
%%
``If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts,
  but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in
  certainties.''
-- Francis Bacon
%%
``People have this obsession. They want you to be like you were
  in 1969. They want you to, because otherwise their youth goes
  with you. It's very selfish, but it's understandable.''
-- Mick Jagger
%%
``I gotta cut down on my (ab)use of parentheses.''
-- Unknown
%%
``Read banned books. Watched questionable movies. Wear a silly
  hat on your head and pretend to be a pirate. Stay beautiful.''
-- Megan Stevens
%%
``It isn't martyrdom if the beliefs you're dying for aren't your
  own.''
-- Megan Stevens
%%
``We do but teach bloody instructions
  Which, being taught, return to plague th' inventor''
-- Shakespeare, "Macbeth"
%%
``In the case of the sewing machines, as in so many similar
  technological transformations of the last sixty years or so,
  the replacement of one technology by another furthered a single
  process -- the replacement of human skill by mechanical
  complexity.''
-- John Michael Greer
%%
Broken pencils are pointless.
%%
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
%%
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
%%
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned
on me.
%%
``Software engineers only have two problems: Concurrency, cache
  coherency, and off-by-one errors.''
-- Unknown
%%
``Unix is very simple. It just needs a genius to understand its
  simplicity.''
-- Dennis Ritchie
%%
``The 15 minutes between when you discover an unknown device with
  an Atmel SBC HTTP server on your network, and when you
  remember...''
-- Dan Lyke
%%
``To be successful, a piece has to reinforce the myths of the
  culture.''
-- Dan Lyke
%%
``Taking what you consider to be the straight path often requires
  twisting and turning in the real world. Taking the
  straight-and-narrow path in the real world often means putting
  your mind through intellectual contortions to rationalize
  things with respect to your own beliefs.''
-- Venkatesh Rao
%%
``The cemeteries of the world are full of indispensable men.''
-- Charles de Gaulle
%%
``Any headline which ends in a question mark can be answered by
  the word 'no'.''
-- Betteridge's Law of Headlines
%%
``One of the things that gelled as I stepped through the call
  stack and hierarchy is that there's a particular style of OO
  programming that leads to needing a debugger to figure stuff
  out.''
-- Dan Lyke
%%
``I believe in blowing up in as dramatic and obvious a way as
  possible, as soon as possible, and doing absolutely nothing to
  attempt to recover. This is annoying, and that's exactly what
  you want: you want the end user to be annoyed, so they will
  complain, so you'll actually hear about it, and have a chance
  to fix it. Otherwise you end up with users who struggle along
  for years, cursing you every day as they repeat bizarre voodoo
  dance workarounds for bugs that you could fix in five minutes
  if you even had a clue they existed.''
-- Mars Saxman
%%
``They say chicken soup feeds the soul, but they don't say what
  it feeds the soul to. Lovecraft was an optimist.''
-- Dan Lyke
%%
``The contemporary way is to have fun with stuff you can't
  understand.''
-- Goto 80
%%
``Although I can not lay an egg, I am a very good judge of
  omelets.''
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
``Observation: Systems which break regularly are more resilient
  than systems which run flawlessly for long periods.''
-- Dan Lyke
%%
This e-mail is encrypted with 2ROT-13.
%%
``Ubiquity is just a technocratic term for mass organisation.''
-- Christo
%%
``Varje gång vi inte vågar säga att kejsaren är naken rullar vi
  ut den röda mattan för en framtida diktatur ännu en meter.''
-- Anna Troberg
%%
``I do not know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I
  seem to have been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and
  diverting myself by now and then finding a smoother pebble or a
  prettier shell than ordinary, while the great ocean of truth
  lay all undiscovered before me.''
-- Sir Isaac Newton
%%
``In religion, faith is a virtue. In science, faith is a vice.''
-- Elf Sternberg
%%
An organization is less than the sum of its parts.
%%
``Fashion is what seems beautiful now but looks ugly later; art
  can be ugly at first but it becomes beautiful later.''
-- Unknown
%%
``This is not only what's wrong with the way we structure
  education generally, where we're teaching "the one true way"
  and assuming that the teachers have the best answers, this is
  especially what's wrong with the gamification of everything:
  This notion that there will always be incremental steps which
  are within reach, that the really hard problems will have a
  blinking red target area that will be open for some small
  period and the way to beat it is to dodge the missiles until
  that moment when you can fire precisely and defeat the boss.''
-- Dan Lyke
%%
``There's no 'I' in 'team', but there's more than one 'u' in
  'fuck-up'.''
-- Unknown
%%
``The ideal situation occurs when the things that we regard as
  beautiful are also regarded by other people as useful.''
-- Donald Knuth
%%
``The most compelling reason for most people to buy a computer
  for the home will be to link it to a nationwide communications
  network. Were just in the beginning stages of what will be a
  truly remarkable breakthrough for most people -- as remarkable
  as the telephone.''
-- Steve Jobs, Playboy, Feb 1, 1985
%%
``Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they
  go.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
``Nine-tenths of existing books are nonsense, and the clever
  books are the refutation of that nonsense.''
-- Benjamin Disraeli, 1870
%%
``-- Violet Impudence
%%
``Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of
  politics, because the stakes are so low.''
-- Sayre's law
%%
``Somewhere, there are two kids in a garage building a company
  whose motto will be "Don't be Google".''
-- Digwuren the Gray
%%
``While I think grace and gratitude are both wonderful things, I
  also think they are attitudes best preceded by bitterness, rage
  and self-pity.''
-- Sarah Miller
%%
``At the moment of commitment the entire universe conspires to
  assist you.''
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
``You drink every thing you want and you like but nothing is
  above the beauty, the pureness and the simplicity of water.
  Glass music is that water.''
-- brunozaid on Philip Glass
%%
``I am not young enough to know everything.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
``Scars are like tattoos with better stories.''
-- meuon
%%
``There is no sacredness in the virgin. There is only the fear,
  were she to be educated and empowered and really let loose, of
  what she could become.''
-- Mark Morford
%%
``Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men
  trying to find easier ways to do something.''
-- Robert Heinlein
%%
``Enverbification of nouns is OK, but to dismantle an adjective
  and verbify with its remains is completely purplehatbands.''
-- MarillionFan
%%
``Every time you *like* something on Facebook, an advertiser gets
  its horns.''
-- DJsolarlab
%%
``The thing that I've realized about modern journalism is that
  controversy generates readership. [...] Which means that your
  average newspaper article is what we online discussion
  old-timers would refer to as trolling, and that explains the
  quality of the comments to such articles.''
-- Dan Lyke
%%
Fear brought us fire.
%%
``The essence of life is the smile of round female bottoms, under
  the shadow of cosmic boredom.''
-- Guy de Maupassant
%%
``I did not go to his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I
  approved of it.''
-- majinbuu
%%
``See the happy moron,
  He doesn't give a damn.
  I wish I were a moron,
  My God! Perhaps I am!''
-- Dorothy Parker
%%
``Atoms also want to be free -- they're just not as pushy about
  it.''
-- Chris Anderson
%%
``She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and
  forgot to say "when".''
-- P. G. Wodehouse
%%
``It would fill the world with innumerable immoralities and give
  such occasion for intrigues as people can not meet with. You
  would have a couple of lovers make a midnight assignation upon
  the top of the monument and see the cupola of St. Paul's
  covered with both sexes like the outside of a pigeon house.
  Nothing would be more frequent than to see a beau flying in at
  a garret window or a gallant giving chase to his mistress like
  a hawk after a lark.''
-- Joseph Addison, concerns about where manned flight might lead,
   1713
%%
``It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of
  yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.''
-- Robert Goddard (1882-1945)
%%
``If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice
  would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.''
-- Peter Ustinov
%%
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
%%
``A cipher is a device for converting a plaintext distribution
  problem into a key distribution problem.''
-- Marsh Ray
%%
``The first principle is that you must not fool yourself -- and
  you are the easiest person to fool. So you have to be very
  careful about that. After you've not fooled yourself, it's easy
  not to fool other scientists. You just have to be honest in a
  conventional way after that.''
-- Richard Feynman, "Cargo Cult Science"
%%
``Western music is fast because it's not in tune.''
-- Terry Riley
%%
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-- Koen van der Pasch
%%
``I just replaced my Iphone screen with a mirror. Now, instead of
  checking Facebook, I just look and go, "Yeah, I'm fine."
  The mirror screen also works for GPS. Instead of Google Maps, I
  just look at my phone and I'm all, "There I am, at the center
  of the universe."''
-- Christopher Moore
%%
``What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is
  goodness.''
-- Lev Tolstoj
%%
``To err is human; to purr feline.''
-- Robert Byrne
%%
``A statue is a pigeon's best friend.''
-- Lenin
%%
Benchmarks don't lie, but liars do benchmarks.
%%
``During your travels, you will one day meet a tradesman more apt
  for your trade than yourself. When this happens, you have a
  choice: become the best at something else, or forever languish
  in knowing you're second-rate jack of all trades.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
``If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one
  person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump
  one foot.''
-- Terman's Law of Innovation
%%
``This laxe pithe or marrow in man's head shows no more capacity
  for thought than a Cake of Sewet or a Bowl of Curds.''
-- Henry More, 1652
%%
``I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of
  that.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``If we have to act like we have rules, because of your
  behavior... we kick you out''
-- meuon
%%
"In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes."
Andy Warhol
"As fast as Rhapsody adds tracks to its library, those songs find
an audience, even if it's just a few people a month, somewhere in
the country. This is the Long Tail."
Chris Anderson
"In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes and
then internet famous to 15 people forever. This is the Long
Fail."
ND¢
%%
``An Englishman thinks a hundred miles is a long way while an
  American thinks a hundred years is a long time.''
-- Unknown
%%
``It is a fundamental mistake to believe that a leading edge idea
  requires a leading edge technology.''
-- Norman White
%%
``Any sufficiently advanced riddle is indistinguishable from
  gibberish.''
-- Erfworld
%%
``Two kinds of businesses call their customers "users" - drug
  pushers and sysadmins''
-- Unknown
%%
When rights are illegal, only outlaws will have rights.
%%
Don't follow advice you get from fortune cookies.
%%
Playing Solitaire is its own punishment.
%%
``The relation between a Calvin Klein ad and a hard-core adult
  film is essentially the same as the relation between a funny
  joke and an explanation of what's funny about that joke.''
-- David Foster Wallace (paraphrasing some guy or other), "Big
   Red Son"
%%
``Reality is a quality that things possess in the same way they
  possess, say, weight. Some people are more real than others,
  for example. It has been estimated that there are only 500
  *real* people on any given planet, which is why they keep
  unexpectedly running into one another all the time.''
-- Terry Pratchett, "Moving Pictures"
%%
``Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.''
-- Mark Twain
%%
Save energy. Use a small font.
%%
``One original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings.''
-- Diogenes
%%
``Wanting connections, we found connections -- always,
  everywhere, and between everything. The world exploded in a
  whirling network of kinships, where everything pointed to
  everything else, everything explained everything else...''
-- Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum
%%
``Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
  That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
  And then is heard no more; it is a tale
  Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
  Signifying nothing.''
-- William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act V, Scene 5
%%
``An adventure game is a crossword at war with a narrative.''
-- Graham Nelson, "The Craft of Adventure"
%%
``Enemies, as well as lovers, come to resemble each other over a
  period of time.''
-- Sydney J. Harris
%%
``I have a hangup about the truth. I think its important to know
  what the truth is before you go jawing about how something or
  other is eroding the fabric of this or that.''
-- Adrian Colesberry
%%
``Freedom is when the people can speak, democracy is when the
  government listens.''
-- Alastair Farrugia
%%
``Contempt for humanity in the name of saving humanity is one of
  our oldest problems.''
-- David Dickerson
%%
``Laws, like sausages, cease to inspire respect in proportion as
  we know how they are made.''
-- John Godfrey Saxe (in 1869)
%%
``Only the dead have seen the end of war.''
-- George Santayana
%%
``The real meaning of "cloud computing" is to suggest a
  devil-may-care approach towards your computing. It says, "Don't
  ask questions, just trust every business without hesitation.
  Don't worry about who controls your computing or who holds your
  data. Don't check for a hook hidden inside our service before
  you swallow it." In other words, "Think like a sucker." I
  prefer to avoid the term.''
-- Richard Stallman
%%
``Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are
  the solution.''
-- Clay Shirky
%%
``There is much pleasure in useless knowledge.''
-- Bertrand Russell
%%
It's amazing what can be accomplished when no one cares who gets
the credit
%%
``When art critics get together they talk about Form and
  Structure and Meaning.
  When artists get together they talk about where you can buy
  cheap turpentine.''
-- Pablo Picasso
%%
``There's glory in using inappropriate tools. You can tell you're
  pushing a new frontier when all available tools are
  inappropriate.''
-- David Berkstresser
%%
Brevity is for the weak.
%%
The early worm is for the birds.
%%
With great power comes great heat sinks.
%%
``One has not only a legal, but a moral responsibility to obey
  just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to
  disobey unjust laws.''
-- Martin Luther King
%%
``My favorite animal at the Zoo is the lesser kudu. You have to
  admire an animal with a name like that, laboring as he must in
  the shadow of the greater kudu. It must be like having an older
  brother who excelled at sports and academics in school, to whom
  you have always been compared and found lacking. A few months
  ago, I was visiting the Zoo at lunch with a friend and
  discovered the area where the lesser kudu is ordinarily found
  was empty.
  
  I hope he made a break for it. I hope he made his way out into
  the world, free of expectations, shedding labels, determined
  only to be the best damn kudu he could be.''
-- Brad Graham
%%
``This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can
  even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans
  are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely
  wires and lights in a box.''
-- Broadcast journalism pioneer Edward R. Murrow about television
%%
``Do not train children to learning by force and harshness, but
  direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may
  be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of
  the genius of each.''
-- Plato
%%
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off
now.
%%
``A good programming language ought to be better for explaining
  software than English. You should only need comments when there
  is some kind of kludge you need to warn readers about, just as
  on a road there are only arrows on parts with unexpectedly
  sharp curves.''
-- Paul Graham, "Hackers and painters"
%%
``Everyone by now presumably knows about the danger of premature
  optimization. I think we should be just as worried about
  premature design -- deciding too early what a program should
  do.''
-- Paul Graham, "Hackers and painters"
%%
``Superficially he's deep, but deep down he's shallow.''
-- Peter DeVries
%%
``The exploitation of accidents is the key to creativity, whether
  what is being made is a new genome, a new behavior, or a new
  melody.''
-- Daniel Dennett
%%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%%
``Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
  member of Congress. But I repeat myself.''
-- Mark Twain
%%
``All problems in Computer Science can be solved by another level
  of indirection.''
-- Butler Lampson
%%
``We are but whirlpools in a river of ever-flowing water. We are
  not stuff that abides, but patterns that perpetuate
  themselves.''
-- Norbert Wiener, mathematician
%%
``Rumor has it that if you play Microsoft CDs backwards you will
  hear Satanic messages. Worse still, is that if you play them
  forwards they will install Windows.''
-- Sean Falloy
%%
``The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to
  declare that the problem is unsolvable.''
-- Unknown
%%
``Where would we be now if it hadn't been for religious zealots
  burning the thinkers and scientists?''
-- meuon
%%
``The burden of proof is on that which has none.''
-- Unknown
%%
``For me, the most baffling thing about the creationist position
  is how anyone who believes in an omniscient God could "credit"
  such a being with creating the forms of life we see today.
  Study biology for awhile, and you'll see that it's absolutely
  full of bad engineering, incomplete assembly, and shoddy
  workmanship. If God designed the gastropod digestive tract, the
  human knee, and the reproductive system of Plecia nearctica,
  then God is a moron. Creationism, in other words, is heresy.''
-- alandove
%%
``But Macs cost too much, and Linux is too hard. And Microsoft
  only hits me because he loves me.''
-- Unknown
%%
``In my experience, those who claim to be able to 'multitask' are
  simply able to do three things badly at the same time! I can't
  imagine anyone ever wrote a best-seller or painted a
  masterpiece while simultaneously chatting on the phone and
  watching TV.''
-- Justin
%%
``Did I ever tell you that Mrs. McCave
  Had twenty-three sons, and she named them all Dave?
  Well, she did. And that wasn't a smart thing to do.
  You see, when she wants one, and calls out "Yoo-Hoo!
  Come into the house, Dave!" she doesn't get one.
  All twenty-three Daves of hers come on the run!''
-- Dr. Seuss
%%
``Our units of temporal measurement, from seconds on up to
  months, are so complicated, asymmetrical and disjunctive so as
  to make coherent mental reckoning in time all but impossible.
  Indeed, had some tyrannical god contrived to enslave our minds
  to time, to make it all but impossible for us to escape
  subjection to sodden routines and unpleasant surprises, he
  could hardly have done better than handing down our present
  system. It is like a set of trapezoidal building blocks, with
  no vertical or horizontal surfaces, like a language in which
  the simplest thought demands ornate constructions, useless
  particles and lengthy circumlocutions. Unlike the more
  successful patterns of language and science, which enable us to
  face experience boldly or at least level-headedly, our system
  of temporal calculation silently and persistently encourages
  our terror of time. [...] It is as though architects had to
  measure length in feet, width in meters and height in ells; as
  though basic instruction manuals demanded a knowledge of five
  different languages. It is no wonder then that we often look
  into our own immediate past or future, last Tuesday or a week
  from Sunday, with feelings of helpless confusion.''
-- Robert Grudin, `Time and the Art of Living', quoted in the GNU
   coreutils documentation in the section on 'Date input
   formats'.
%%
``When they took the fourth amendment,
     I was quiet because I didn't deal drugs.
  When they took the sixth amendment,
     I was quiet because I was innocent.
  When they took the second amendment,
     I was quiet because I didn't own a gun.
  Now they've taken the first amendment,
     and I can say nothing about it.''
-- http://www.paranoia.com/
%%
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-- ron@centerline.com
%%
``I do not care to be admired causelessly, emotionally,
  intuitively, instinctively -- or blindly. I do not care for
  blindness in any form, I have too much to show -- or for
  deafness, I have too much to say. I do not care to be admired
  by anyone's /heart/ -- only by someone's /head/.''
-- "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand
%%
``There's no way to rule innocent men. The only power any
  government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well,
  when there aren't enough criminals, one /makes/ them. One
  declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes
  impossible for men to live without breaking laws. Who wants a
  nation of law-abiding citizens? What's there in that for
  anyone? But just pass the kind of laws that can neither be
  observed nor enforced nor objectively interpreted -- and you
  create a nation of law-breakers -- and then you cash in on
  guilt.''
-- Atlas Shrugged
%%
A rather unusual way to dismount from a bicycle.
                        (*)

    __o    (*)|-__o-     --+ --|      \ /      |__           o -   \o/    o

  _`\<,_     --/  \      @\|   \o      |     o/     o/---    /\     |    /|\

 (*)/ (*)     (*)       (*)`   ( \    /o\   / )     |   (\   / |   / \   / \
-- minyard4
%%

 <billings> Xgl on this system with its crappy i945 graphics card makes me sad.
 <billings> it's like running OSX on a G3
<jo2y-home> It's like riding a bike when you own a car.

   <markd2> it's like getting an iced coffee when you wanted a coffee slurpee

<jo2y-home> It's like smashing your hand in a car door when you wanted ice cream.

   <markd2> it's like getting killed in many horrible ways when you just wanted a hug
<jo2y-home> It's like bad when you wanted good.

   <markd2> it's like bud when you wanted something that doesn't suck
<jo2y-home> It's like pepsi when you wanted coke.

 <billings> it's like running vi and finding out it's been aliased to vim.
%%
[1]    Done                   rm -rf *
%%
Security through Obscenity.
%%
``3. Send large donations, checks, and money orders to the author
  of the FAQ, or the moderator of the group, whichever you
  prefer. Then, cross the top question off the FAQ, answer the
  question at the bottom, and mail it to three people. Within two
  weeks, you will receive 729 answers to various questions! Do
  not break the chain; Emily Postnews broke the chain, and now no
  one listens to her.''
-- Peter Seebach, from The *other* C FAQ
%%
``Again, why buy the software that single handedly supports an
  entire industry of help book writers and lets you get together
  with friends to talk about what you can't do and how much it
  crashes? I see little reason to jump on a bandwagon headed for
  a cliff.''
-- Maxx Daymon
%%
``No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.''
-- Yoda on error handling.
%%
``People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too
  much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable
  of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line,
  growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.''
-- J. M. Straczynski
%%
``The scales always balance, what goes around comes around. Bear
  in mind, though, you might be long dead by the time the books
  are even.''
-- D. T. King
%%
``Cheap, intemperate propaganda sometimes achieves impressive
  short-term gains, but it will be more advantageous in the long
  run to keep the loyalty of a small number of intelligently
  committed people than to arouse the passions of an unthinking,
  fickle mob who will change their attitude as soon as someone
  comes along with a better propaganda gimmick.''
-- Unabomber
%%
Two drunks were walking home one night. They stopped on a bridge
to pee.
"Oh, look at the fish playing in the moonlight! They're so
happy!"
"You're not a fish, you can't know whether they're happy or not."
"You're not me, you can't know whether I know or not."
-- Taoist parable
%%
``Like my (automobile) driving instructor used to say: when the
  light turns green, yield to the idiots, wait for the taxi
  drivers, then go slow.''
-- Simon Hawkin
%%
If you can't explain it to someone else, you don't understand it
yourself.
%%
``Coding standards or guidelines will not make good programmers
  out of bad programmers. They have absolutely no effect at all
  on the correctness of the code that a programmer produces. You
  cannot legislate good design.''
-- Robert Martin
%%
``They say that from the moment of birth we begin to die, and
  that personal growth can be painful. So with that in mind, may
  you die slowly, and painfully.''
-- Ed Ming
%%
``However, if a program has many source-syntax errors, we should
  expect many logic and coding errors as well -- after all, a
  slob is a slob is a slob.''
-- Boris Beizer
%%
``There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way
  is to make it so simple that there are obviously no
  deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated
  that there are no obvious deficiencies.''
-- C.A.R. Hoare
%%
``I won't say OOP and x-platform libraries have no value, but I
  do often think that a main reason for their push is that
  organizations want to be able to produce good software with
  crappy people, and that's a bit of a pipedream.''
-- Jeff Rogers
%%
``Run along, child. You're way out of your depth here, as you'd
  be anywhere there was noticeable dewfall, and you wouldn't want
  to get hurt.''
-- Geoff Miller
%%
``Too many people still can't think their way out of a wet paper
  bag and insist on being happy about it.''
-- Dan Sorenson
%%
``I don't want the keywords highlighted anymore than I want the
  prepositions in green and the verbs in blue when I read
  English.''
-- Peter Seebach
%%
``If you were to design a house from Use Cases, it would not be
  obvious that you need a roof.''
-- Unknown
%%
``(There is no truth to the rumor that a delta will be issued to
  fix bugs discovered when Gamma's code was beta-tested on an
  Alpha.)''
-- Norman H. Cohen
%%
``Tom [Cargil]'s suggestion with a further idea: Propsers of new
  [C++] features should be required to donate a kidney. That
  would -- Jim [Waldo] pointed out -- make people think hard
  before proposing, and even people without any sense would
  propose at most two extensions.''
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
%%
``Objects in calendar are closer than they appear.''
-- Stephan Somogyi
%%
``Brain work will cause her [the 'new' woman] to become bald,
  while increasing masculinity and contempt for beauty will
  induce the growth of hair on the face. In the future,
  therefore, women will be bald and will wear long mustaches and
  patriarchal beards.''
-- Hans Friedenthal, Berlin University, 1914
%%
``That's no oatmeal, that's my wife!''
-- Ed Devinney
%%
``No, he has coined the politically correct term for roadkill:
  Aspect Ratio Challenged.''
-- Bill Lynn
%%
``I would light my hair on fire and place a live salmon in my
  vest pocket to attract her. I know I'm in love when she can
  enjoy my salmon, but still respect my mind. I show her my love
  by doing interpretive dancing with fluorescent lightbulbs,
  followed by splashing multicolored dayglow paint against my
  thighs, and then dinner at McDonalds. And I know she loves me
  when there's an absence of gunfire and lawsuits.''
-- Unknown
%%
``The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that
  heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but
  "That's funny ..."''
-- Isaac Asimov
%%
``Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the hammer.''
-- Jim Edwards-Hewitt
%%
``Then again, the reason that you often lose one sock in the
  washer is someone leaving the washing machine set on odd
  parity.''
-- Michael Ardai
%%
``What is considered "left-wing" in America is considered "right
  wing" in most of Europe. What is considered "right wing" in
  America is considered
  foaming-at-the-mouth-dangerous-lunatic-with-toothbrush-moustache
  on this side of the Great Undrinkable.''
-- Charlie Stross
%%
``Have you not read The Book? Do you not believe the miracles?
  Barny can rouse the sleeping (Third Cordovians, 15:69:1).
  Barney can walk across shag carpet (Genitals, 2:75). Barney can
  make the deaf to see (Genitals, 9:1.5). Barney lied for your
  sins (Locutus, 13:71).''
-- Richard Ward
%%
``Bedrock does support a form of drag and drop. Development
  dragged on for about 2 years, and then was dropped.''
-- Brian Clark
%%
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at
night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, "They're more than meets the eye".
%%
``And I also think Ayn Rand had a fetish for naked shoulders.''
-- Sean Conner
%%
``Verily I say unto you, that no one bearing the mark of ketchup
  on his lap or shirt shall enter the kingdom of God.''
-- alt.ketchup heretic
%%
``K--- greps the entire newsfeed for his nickname, and tends to
  reply to any message that mentions him -- he's a lot like
  'Cthulhu' from Lovecraftian mythology, only more terrifying.''
-- Scott Forbes
%%
``At any rate, C++ != C. Actually, the value of the expression
  'C++ != C' is implementation-defined.''
-- Peter da Silva
%%
``Drink to me only with thine eyes, and I will drink with my
  nose.''
-- Inspector General
%%
"Hmmm... I wonder what this button doe
%%
``YES! Drums, guitars, and death! They finally got it right!''
-- Butthead
%%
``Ever notice how the murder rate climbs as the quality of cereal
  toys declines?''
-- Rob Cruickshank
%%
``I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not
  screaming in terror like his passengers.''
-- Unknown
%%
Ask me about my Vow of Silence.
%%
``C++ is a large set of partially inconsistent and partially
  incompatible features without a clear model of how they should
  be used or how they interact.''
-- Ross Huitt
%%
``Don't write to ROM. It wastes your time and annoys the ROM.''
-- Newton Programmer's Guide
%%
``I can't speak for anyone else, Laura, but my life changed when
  I let Our Lord Jesus Christ into my life as my personal savior
  yesterday. I got over it, though.''
-- Rick Gordon
%%
Things don't mean nothing if they ain't got that certain je ne
sais quoi.
%%
Doctor of subliminimalism.
%%
Avoid looking at laser with remaining eye.
%%
``It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered
  recently is four times bigger then the previous record.''
-- John Blasik
%%
``Machine independent? Of course it's machine independent! It
  doesn't work on *any* machine!''
-- Jigman
%%
A jester unemployed is nobody's fool.
%%
``Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that
  corporations and other organizations habitually engage in only
  because they cannot actually masturbate.''
-- Alain van der Heide
%%
``Forty years from now nursing homes will be filled with demented
  hackers, studying their blank laptop screens nicely placed on
  knitted quilts to keep their knees warm.''
-- K. Mitchum
%%
``Spear is the Mime killer.''
-- Frank Herbert
%%
Today is the last day of the first of your life.
%%
``Mmmrmfh mmrhrhf, mrmhrmmfm mrmfh, mrhm mrfhhrhfhff
  mmmrmfmmmfhfhhf!''
-- Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
%%
``One of us really does not understand what the other is saying.
  I haven't yet figured out whether that's you or me.''
-- Eric Berdahl
%%
``1492 AD: Columbus discovers America and therefore tomatoes.
  Southern Italian cuisine, especially pizza, will never be the
  same.''
-- Philip Greenspun
%%
``Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think you are
  fucked.''
-- Philip Greenspun
%%
``JavaScript use is very highly correlated with lack of anything
  interesting.''
-- Dan Lyke
%%
``In practice, humans are lazy, sloppy, and easily distracted by
  more interesting projects.''
-- Philip Greenspun
%%
``Tcl is really Scheme with most of its brain removed.''
-- Philip Greenspun
%%
``I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory
  workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you
  on an elevator?''
-- Victor Borge
%%
``Profanity is the inevitable linguistic crutch of the
  inarticulate motherfucker.''
-- Bruce Sherrod
%%
``SCSI is not magic. There are *fundamental technical reasons*
  why you have to sacrifice a young goat to your scsi chain every
  now and then.''
-- BitPoet
%%
``You've misinterpreted our apathy and laziness for dislike.''
-- jo2y
%%
``I'm actually a really nice and normal person, but i'm like a
  magnet for filth and depravity.''
-- rzolf
%%
``That's how I decided to start Crazy Apple Rumors Site.
  Actually, it's a much longer story than that. I'm leaving out
  the whole car chase, the battle with the ninja warriors and the
  spiritual journey that culminated in meeting the Entity for the
  first time at the Waffle House in Lancaster, PA.''
-- John Moltz
%%
``I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of
  the universe.''
-- Marcus Cole
%%
``It is my firm belief that there is no belief so asinine, no
  course of action so bizarre, that it can not have a half dozen
  web sites strongly devoted to its practice. If their
  maintainers ever learned to check their spelling, we might be
  in real trouble.''
-- Jeff Vogel
%%
``As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
  certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life
  -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop
  so you can meet girls.''
-- Matt Cartmill
%%
``Hitting age 50 and realizing that you've never pursued your
  dreams is one of the great horrors of the human condition. And
  totally inexcusable. Not following your passions is the
  greatest sin you can commit, it means surrendering the fire of
  your ambitions to the fears of other people. It's psychological
  treason.''
-- jms
%%
``Running a service -- any service -- on the internet is like
  putting a child with a hammer in a room full of coloured eggs
  and telling them not to break any.''
-- Matthew Hunt
%%
``I often think the dominant life form in the US is the
  automobile, and we humans are merely its reproductive organs.''
-- Joe Delta
%%
``Java cleverly blends the complexity of C++ with the execution
  speed of Smalltalk and the elegance of DOS.''
-- tblanchard
%%
``I don't mind people making mistakes, I just wish they'd make
  new ones.''
-- redtoade
%%
``There's nothing wrong with believing in something bigger than
  yourself, just don't ever trust someone that NEEDS to.''
-- redtoade
%%
``If you look at all of the products of Gen X, they really only
  have one thing in common: a deep loathing for the establishment
  gently wrapped in sardonic wit.''
-- redtoade
%%
``The US attitude to free speech is like their attitude to
  democracy, food and football. They are big fans, but they just
  don't get it.''
-- David Cake
%%
``The ease with which a language allows you to solve easy
  problems is not interesting.''
-- mikeash
%%
``The amount of advance planning about nitpicky details is
  inversely proportional to the chance of finishing the
  project.''
-- mikeash
%%
``The Good Life Coop introduced us to a wonderful concept for
  communication: Desperanto. Desperanto is the language you speak
  in foreign countries after your high school and college
  language courses have faded into phrases like 'Ou est la plume
  de ma tante?' and the ability to remember the Spanish word for
  spoon. The Desperanto theory is that any combination of Romance
  languages, when spoken in earnest and with a smile, will be
  understood by people around the Mediterranean. Amazingly it
  works well, even better than speaking English slowly and
  loud.''
-- Grand Rapper E/D
%%
``Not knowing how to use the right tool is not a good reason to
  use the wrong tool.''
-- mikeash
%%
``With the second line of code, you already have a legacy.''
-- Kent Beck
%%
``Light bulbs are not actually "light bulbs" but dark absorbers.
  When you turn them on, they suck the dark out of the room. You
  can prove this by holding your hand under a "light bulb". The
  dark will stack up under your hand where its path to the
  absorber is blocked by your hand. When they quit working and
  turn a dark color, it's not because they burnt out, it's
  because they're full.''
-- Ceph
%%
``Every time I think about the immigration issue, I end up
  thinking that illegal immigrants are exactly the sort of folks
  we need: They're the ones who are bad-ass enough to crawl under
  the barbed-wire and across the desert so that they can
  *work*.''
-- Dan Lyke
%%
``Don't be evil unless you know how.''
-- AngryLuke
%%
``Every well-designed architecture you create will be discarded
  without being exploited. Every quick & dirty hack you write
  will last for years.''
-- grob
%%
``If you don't watch TV, I can't help you.''
-- Verizon DSL Tech Support
%%
``Listen to a man's question, and he will annoy you today. Answer
  it, and he will annoy you for the rest of his life.''
-- mikeash
%%
``Buahahahaha. It's situations like this that separate the true
  programmers from the sane people.''
-- Ahruman
%%
``If you accept that programming is merely the art of debugging
  an empty file, then software exists merely to work around bugs
  in hardware.''
-- mikeash
%%
``For a presentation or a speech, you need your audience,
  otherwise it's just you in an empty room talking to no one in
  particular, and we already have a word for that... it's called
  writing.''
-- rands
%%
``A few days ago I had the realization that a command line is
  interacting with a computer using language, and a mouse was the
  equivalent of pointing and grunting.''
-- Dan Lyke
%%
``It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to
  persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.''
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
%%
``Creativity is a type of learning process where the teacher and
  pupil are located in the same individual.''
-- Arthur Koestler
%%
``If the Internet has taught us anything, it is that you can
  always get people to do what they already want to do.''
-- Lawrence Lessig
%%
``The secret to success is being able to make mistakes faster.''
-- Stuart McFarlan
%%
``Don't think outside the box. Build a box.''
-- Unknown
%%
``There is no law against composing music when one has no ideas
  whatsoever. The music of Wagner, therefore, is perfectly
  legal.''
-- Mark Twain
%%
``Person saying it cannot be done should not interrupt person
  doing it.''
-- Chinese proverb
%%
``All people are born alike -- except Republicans and
  Democrats.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Why waste time reinventing the wheel, when you could be
  reinventing the engine?''
-- Damian Conway
%%
``Terrorism is the best political weapon for nothing drives
  people harder than a fear of sudden death.''
-- Adolf Hitler
%%
``Beware of the Turing tar-pit in which everything is possible
  but nothing of interest is easy.''
-- Alan J. Perlis
%%
Save the environment! Add "set >>$HOME/.thinkofthechildren" to
your .bash_logout.
%%
``The best argument against democracy is a five-minute
  conversation with the average voter.''
-- Sir Winston Churchill
%%
``Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have
  guided missiles and misguided men.''
-- Martin Luther King Jr.
%%
``Love is OK. But I prefer pain, it doesn't hurt as much.''
-- Unknown
%%
``I'm going to fucking bury that guy, I've done it before and I
  will do it again.''
-- Steve Ballmer
%%
``An office environment is supposed to be something that *helps*
  you work, not something you work despite.''
-- Paul Graham
%%
``The tsunami was not an Act of God. But 9/11 was.''
-- Matt Ridley
%%
``I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use
  as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to
  use my telephone.''
-- Bjarne Stroustrup
%%
``Psh, is that all? Do four or five of these, and you'll get used
  to the idea that people in lateral thinking puzzles solve all
  their psychological traumas with suicide. Someone wakes up to a
  shipwreck? Suicide. A man deduces that his wife is having an
  affair? Suicide. A guy can't reach the elevator buttons?
  Suicide!''
-- Cosmologicon, in the xkcd logic puzzle forum
%%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic.
-- Clarke's Law
Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from
malice.
-- Clark's Law
%%
``Nobody's ever gone broke underestimating the intelligence of
  the general public.''
-- Unknown
%%
``In youth men are apt to write more wisely than they really know
  or feel; and the remainder of life may be not idly spent in
  realizing and convincing themselves of the wisdom which they
  uttered long ago.''
-- Nathaniel Hawthorne
%%
``A complex design is the sign of an inferior designer.''
-- Jamie Hyneman, Myth Buster
%%
``Give a lie twenty-four hours start, and it will take a hundred
  years to overtake it.''
-- C. F. Dixon-Johnson
%%
``When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.''
-- Walter Lippmann (1889-1974)
%%
``Pain is temporary, failure is forever.''
%%
``Parity is for farmers.''
-- Seymour Cray
%%
``The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long
  plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men
  die like dogs. There's also a negative side.''
-- Hunter S Thompson
%%
``To ask permission is to seek denial.''
-- Scott McNealy
%%
``A skilled general will get his victory from manipulation of the
  situation and not from demanding it of his men.''
-- Sun-Tzu
%%
``Any proposition advanced without evidence can be dismissed
  without evidence.''
-- Christopher Hitchens
%%
``If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal''
-- Emma Goldman
%%
``That is of course the real problem with [R2-D2]: He's just a
  little rolling Deus Ex Machina device, who can pull out the
  right tool in any random situation as though he were Inspector
  Gadget. When the same tool would be handy in dozens of other
  situations, it's never seen again.''
-- Ian Fortey
%%
``There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath
  that cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man
  who just comes in to work every day and has a job to do.''
-- Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
%%
``On two occasions I have been asked, -- "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if
  you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
  come out?" In one case a member of the Upper, and in the other
  a member of the Lower, House put this question. I am not able
  rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could
  provoke such a question.''
-- Charles Babbage
%%
``There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are
  intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.''
%%
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
%%
Mathematics is the part of science you could continue to do if
you woke up tomorrow and discovered the universe was gone.
%%
``Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize
  that half of them are even stupider!''
-- George Carlin
%%
``The right to speak PGP is the right to speak Navajo''
-- Eben Moglen
%%
``I was in Disney World recently, specifically the part of it
  called the Magic Kingdom, walking up Main Street USA. This is a
  perfect gingerbready Victorian small town that culminates in a
  Disney castle. It was very crowded; we shuffled rather than
  walked. Directly in front of me was a man with a camcorder. It
  was one of the new breed of camcorders where instead of peering
  through a viewfinder you gaze at a flat-panel color screen
  about the size of a playing card, which televises live coverage
  of whatever the camcorder is seeing. He was holding the
  appliance close to his face, so that it obstructed his view.
  Rather than go see a real small town for free, he had paid
  money to see a pretend one, and rather than see it with the
  naked eye he was watching it on television.''
-- Neal Stephenson, 'In the Beginning was the Command Line'
%%
When a proposition is ludicrous enough, we lend it undeserved
credibility when we respond too politely.
%%
She sells seashells on the sea shore, and the seashells she sells
are seashells for sure.
%%
``Anyone who quotes me in their sig is an idiot.''
-- Rusty Russell
%%
``"Alf Todd," said Ukridge, soaring to an impressive burst of
  imagery, "has about as much chance as a one-armed blind man in
  a dark room trying to shove a pound of melted butter into a
  wild cat's left ear with a red-hot needle."''
-- P. G. Wodehouse
%%
``The most thoroughly and relentlessly Damned, banned, excluded,
  condemned, forbidden, ostracized, ignored, suppressed,
  repressed, robbed, brutalized and defamed of all Damned Things
  is the individual human being. The social engineers,
  statisticians, psychologists, sociologists, market researchers,
  landlords, bureaucrats, captains of industry, bankers,
  governors, commissars, kings and presidents are perpetually
  forcing this Damned Thing into carefully prepared blueprints
  and perpetually irritated that the Damned Thing will not fit
  into the slot assigned to it. The theologians call it a sinner
  and try to reform it. The governor calls it a criminal and
  tries to punish it. The psychotherapist calls it a neurotic and
  tries to cure it. Still, the Damned Thing will not fit into
  their slots.''
-- Illuminatus!
%%
``Never bring tequila to a key-signing party.''
-- xkcd
%%
``Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the
  impossible.''
-- M. C. Escher
%%
``If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the
  enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make
  everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking,
  you can throw a real grenade at them.''
-- Unknown
%%
A: Because we read from top to bottom, left to right.
Q: Why should i start my reply below the quoted text?
-- http://www.i-hate-computers.demon.co.uk/
%%
``Programmers [...] often take refuge in an understandable, but
  disastrous, inclination towards complexity and ingenuity in
  their work. Forbidden to design anything larger than a program,
  they respond by making that program intricate enough to
  challenge their professional skill.''
-- Michael A. Jackson
%%
``Web 2.0 is a commemorative coin minted in celebration of the
  end of the dot-com crash. Like all commemorative coins, it has
  no actual value.''
-- Michael Swaine
%%
``Fools ignore complexity. Pragmatists suffer it. Some can avoid
  it. Geniuses remove it.''
-- Alan J. Perlis
%%
``An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better
  than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.''
-- H. L. Mencken
%%
Even if you are one-in-a-million, there are still 6000 people
just like you.
%%
``An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish.
  Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head.''
-- Eric Hoffer
%%
``What information consumes is rather obvious: it consumes the
  attention of its recipients. Hence, a wealth of information
  creates a poverty of attention and a need to allocate that
  attention efficiently among the overabundance of information
  sources that might consume it.''
-- Herbert Simon
%%
Fun game: Try to post a YouTube comment so stupid that people
realize you must be joking. (Hint: This is impossible)
-- xkcd.com
%%
``Two years from now, spam will be solved.''
-- Bill Gates, 2004
%%
Any piece of software reflects the organizational structure that
produced it.
-- Conway's Law
%%
``I remember when cartoons weren't all about half-cat androids
  who shoot magical beams of fire at ball-inhabiting ninja
  teenage girls from the moon.''
-- Encyclopedia Dramatica on Anime
%%
I'm just a nobody. Therefore, I'm perfect.
%%
``Göbbels was in favor of free speech for views which he liked.
  So was Stalin. If you're in favor of free speech, then you're
  in favor of freedom of speech precisely for views you despise.
  Otherwise, you're not in favor of free speech.''
-- Noam Chomsky
%%
``A smile is the shortest distance between two people.''
-- Victor Borge
%%
``Avoid macros. Do not ever ever ever even consider starting to
  think about writing a macro that is a common word or
  abbreviation.''
-- Herb Sutter
%%
``The design team wasn't as much a team as a series of sequential
  programmers. It was originally developed by a guy who quit,
  development continued with a new guy until he quit, ad nauseam.
  And like the rings of a beautiful, majestic redwood, chunks of
  code bearing each fallen developer's coding style left unique
  impressions in the code.''
-- Jake Vinson
%%
``The great thing about mod_rewrite is it gives you all the
  configurability and flexibility of Sendmail. The downside to
  mod_rewrite is that it gives you all the configurability and
  flexibility of Sendmail.''
-- Brian Behlendorf, Apache Group
%%
Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it
for the rest of your life.
%%
``Passion is inversely proportional to the amount of real
  information available.''
-- Benford's law of controversy
%%
``Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That
  way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot.''
-- Unknown
%%
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting
their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never
fails to impress the girls.
%%
``What is this life if, full of care,
  We have no time to stand and stare.''
-- from "Leisure" by W. H. Davies
%%
``For many of us, the explosion in technology has perversely
  limited, not expanded, our exposure to new experiences.
  Increasingly, we get our news from sources that think as we
  already do.''
-- Gene Weingarten, Washington Post
%%
The poet Billy Collins once laughingly observed that all babies
are born with a knowledge of poetry, because the lub-dub of the
mother's heart is in iambic meter.
%%
``If atheism is a religion then not collecting stamps is a
  hobby.''
-- Dennett
%%
``In a post Genghis Khan world, should we allow anyone to ride a
  horse?''
-- .sig of Richie
%%
``C++ doesn't have a compiler, it has a complainer.''
-- Maybe_Factor
%%
``On IRC everyone is male until proven IRL.''
-- Psytroll
%%
``Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is
  man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion
  that progress has been made.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
``You only live once, and the way I live, once is enough.''
-- Frank Sinatra
%%
``If I give you a pfennig you will be one pfennig richer and I'll
  be one pfennig poorer. But if I give you an idea, you will have
  a new idea, but I shall still have it, too.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``It is easier to optimize correct code than to correct optimized
  code.''
-- Unknown
%%
``It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
  students that have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential
  programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
  regeneration.''
-- Edsger Dijkstra
%%
``They sicken of the calm, who know the storm.''
-- Dorothy Parker
%%
Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
%%
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because
it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
%%
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits
you, and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
%%
``The key to happiness is self-delusion. Don't think of yourself
  as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.''
-- Scott Adams
%%
``We must remember that in time of war what is said on the
  enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said
  on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause
  of humanity and a crusade for peace.''
-- Walter Lippmann
%%
Depression, n.: Anger without enthusiasm.
%%
In man's struggle against the world, bet on the world.
%%
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
%%
Due to recent cutbacks and until further notice, the light at the
end of the tunnel has been turned off.
%%
``Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
``My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.''
-- Mitch Hedberg
%%
In Spanish, "mensa" means stupid.
%%
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
Titanic.
%%
``If you're not versed in DRM doublethink this concept gets quite
  tricky to explain, but in terms of quantum mechanics the
  content enters a superposition of simultaneously copied and
  uncopied states until a user collapses its wave function by
  observing the content (in physics this is called quantum
  indeterminacy or the observer's paradox). Depending on whether
  you follow the Copenhagen or many-worlds interpretation of
  quantum mechanics, things then either get wierd or very wierd.
  So in order for Windows Vista's content protection to work, it
  has to be able to violate the laws of physics and create
  numerous copies that are simultaneously not copies.''
-- Peter Gutmann
%%
``The Sun will pass between the Earth and the Moon tonight for a
  total Lunar eclipse.''
-- WCBS Radio Newsbrief, Oct 27 2004, 12:01 pm EDT
%%
/* If you can read this, your preprocessor is broken. */
%%
``Superman? Superman never worked hard for anything. I suppose
  he's moral; but his morality comes from an egotistical
  understanding that there's really nothing that can stop him. He
  is a tyrant about enforcing the rules. Furthermore, Superman's
  great deeds don't come from him being clever or smarter or more
  dedicated or a better person. No, he gets everything that makes
  him unique from a difference he was just born with. If he lived
  on Krypton, he'd be just another scumbag. But because Earth's
  yellow sun gives him powers, he is able to horde them over us
  and rub our faces in this fact; a fact that he had no hand in
  and is merely the result of his illegal immigration to the
  United States.
  Superman's whole schtick is the same as if I went to a group of
  school children and, with simple riddles, double-speak, and
  mathematics, bargained them out of their lunch money. No,
  Superman is no one we should look up to and, in fact, should be
  looked upon with fear. What happens when he decides he's no
  longer amused just being an enforcer of rules? What if he
  decides to start making rules? What then?''
-- Richard Nixon at thedailywtf.com
%%
``If you can dream it, you can do it. Always remember that this
  whole thing was started with a dream and a mouse.''
-- Walt Disney
%%
``I put the sexy in dyslexia.''
%%
``See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't
  attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass
  destruction.''
-- George W. Bush, Oct. 3, 2003
%%
``Any proposition advanced without evidence can be dismissed
  without evidence.''
-- Christopher Hitchens
%%
Nonconformists unite for paradox!
%%
If you park, don't drink. Accidents cause people.
%%
``Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first
  place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as
  possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug
  it.''
-- Brian W. Kernighan
%%
``There's the problem... The Token Ring has fallen out of the
  network. Maybe it's in the Ethernet?''
-- Dilbert
%%
Politics is the fountain of compromise, and compromise is the
enemy of engineering.
%%
``It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly
  sick society.''
-- Krishnamurti
%%
``See, this is why you don't design systems so that they can be
  maintained by unskilled users. Because then unskilled users
  will maintain them.''
-- Zemyla
%%
Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom
about the tenth century A. D., and lasted until about 1957, when
FORTRAN abandoned the practice.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual
%%
Religious protection fault. Ave satani.
%%
``I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.''
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
%%
``The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The
  unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to
  himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable
  man.''
-- George Bernard Shaw, Maxims for Revolutionists
%%
``for me, CodeRed, Sobig, Slammer, Slapper, and Cthulhu have been
  as unpleasant as the bubonic plague was to one of its
  13th-century survivors: stepping over the disgusting bodies of
  those who were not immune was quite distressing, but -- I
  survived and they didn't.''
-- mjr
%%
``For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over
  public relations, for nature cannot be fooled.''
-- R. P. Feynman
%%
``If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the
  guise of fighting a foreign enemy.''
-- James Madison, fourth US president (1751-1836)
%%
``Structure is nothing if it is all you've got. Skeletons spook
  people if they try to walk around on their own; I really wonder
  why XML does not.''
-- Erik Naggum
%%
``Being a medical doctor, and speaking a little conversational
  french, I feel it's safe to say that I know more than a little
  about browser compliance.''
%%
After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.
-- Italian proverb
%%
``The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony
  number 9.''
-- Erwin Dieterich
%%
``I have stopped reading Stephen King novels. Now I just read C
  code instead.''
-- Richard A. O'Keefe
%%
``If I remove a stop sign and someone is killed in a car accident
  at that intersection, I can be sued and perhaps go to jail for
  contributing to that accident. If I lock an exit door in a
  crowded theater or restaurant that subsequently burns, I face
  lawsuits and jail time. If I remove or disable the fire
  extinguishers in a public building, I again face lawsuits and
  jail time. If I remove the shrouding from a gear train or a
  belt in a factory, I (and my company) face huge OSHA fines and
  lawsuits. If I remove array bounds checks from my software, I
  will get a raise and additional stock options due to the
  improved "performance" and decreased number of calls from
  customer service.''
-- Henry Baker
%%
``The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square
  of the number of participants.''
-- Adam Walinsky
%%
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: The dumb ones, the
smart ones, and those who mistake binary for ternary.
%%
Join the dark side, we have cookies...
%%
DRM 'manages access' in the same way that jail 'manages freedom'.
%%
``Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level,
  then beat you with experience.''
-- Dilbert
%%
Beware of the cheesy song lyrics... They tend to bite.
%%
Mine is an evil laugh.
%%
Work like you don't need the money. Dance like nobody's watching.
Love like it's never going to hurt.
%%
``There he goes. One of God's own prototypes... Some kind of high
  powered mutant never even considered for mass production... Too
  weird to live, and too rare to die...''
-- Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas
%%
``There are no differences but differences of degree between
  degrees of difference and no difference.''
-- William James
%%
If you're too open-minded, your brains might fall out.
%%
Trying is the first step towards failure.
%%
We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be
approximated.
%%
The maze was so small that people got lost looking for it.
-- Terry Pratchett: Men at arms.
%%
And for all you telepathics out there......
%%
You know you've been hacking too long when you discover that
you're balancing your checkbook in octal.
%%
0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first
time?
0465 ... Was it longer than 20 lines?
0466 ... 100 lines?
0467 ... Was it in assembly language?
0468 ... Did it work the second time?
-- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Pentium instruction of the day:
PAUD: PAUse Dramatically
%%
Pentium instruction of the day: BAM: Branch And Melt
%%
Pentium instruction of the day:
FLI: Flash Lights Impressively
%%
File not found: (A)bort (R)etry (L)ook behind sofa?
%%
``A picture may say a thousand words. But a melody paints a
  thousand pictures.''
-- Unknown
%%
``Do not try to think outside of the box. That's impossible.
  Instead, only realise the truth. There is no box.''
-- Unknown
%%
``If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a
  protected abstract virtual base class with a pure virtual
  private destructor, and when was the last time you needed
  one?''
-- Tom Cargil, C++ Journal, Fall 1990.
%%
Carpe noctem.
%%
If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a
workstation?
%%
Seraphim, n.: In medieval Christian theology, the Seraphim belong
to the highest order of the hierarchy of angels. They are said to
be the caretakers of God's throne, continuously singing "'Kadosh,
Kadosh, Kadosh'"
-- Wikipedia
%%
``Change is inevitable -- except from a vending machine.''
-- Unknown
%%
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
%%
``Man is a dog's ideal of what God should be.''
-- Unknown
%%
A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read
text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
-- http://www.i-hate-computers.demon.co.uk/
%%
if (packet_not_very_much_data_to_write()) channel_output_poll();
-- from the OpenSSH source code
%%
``Asante Sana! Squash banana! We we nuga! Mi mi apana!''
-- Rafiki (The Lion King)
%%
``One of my most productive days was throwing away 1000 lines of
  code.''
-- Ken Thompson
%%
``It is better to solve the right problem the wrong way than the
  wrong problem the right way.''
-- Dick Hamming
%%
``Your wisdom is like vision from the corner of the eye. It seems
  to exist, but disappears when examined.''
-- Zen Master Greg
%%
``A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written
  program is its own hell.''
-- The Tao Of Programming
%%
There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured
programs. A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began
to write unstructured programs. When the novice asked the master
to evaluate his progress, the master criticized him for writing
unstructured programs, saying, "What is appropriate for the
master is not appropriate for the novice. You must understand the
Tao before transcending structure."
-- The Tao Of Programming
%%
``I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
  or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!''
-- The Tao Of Programming
%%
Qui peut lécher, peut mordre.
%%
``Predicting is difficult, especially when it involves the
  future.''
-- Unknown
%%
Every task involves constraint,
Solve the thing without complaint;
There are magic links and chains
Forged to loose our rigid brains.
Structures, strictures, though they bind,
Strangely liberate the mind.
-- James Falen
%%
``A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any
  invention in human history with the possible exceptions of
  handguns and tequila.''
-- Mitch Ratliffe
%%
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
%%
Rhetorical questions are persuasive, aren't they?
%%
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
-- Unknown
%%
``Testing is usually regarded as an important stage of the
  software development cycle. Testing will never be a substitute
  for reasoning. Testing may not be used as evidence of
  correctness for any but the most trivial of programs. Software
  engineers some times refer to "exhaustive" testing when in fact
  they mean "exhausting" testing. Tests are almost never
  exhaustive. Having lots of tests which give the right results
  may be reassuring but it can never be convincing. Rather than
  relying on testing we should be relying in reasoning. We should
  be relying on arguments which can convince the reader using
  logic.''
-- from the Gentle Introduction To ML
%%
``Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom.
  The price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
  Personally, I'd rather pay for my freedom than live in a
  bitmapped, pop-up-happy dungeon like NT. I'm hoping that as IT
  folks become more seasoned and less impressed by superficial
  convenience at the expense of real freedom, they will yearn for
  the kind of freedom and responsibility UNIX allows. When they
  do, UNIX will be there to fill the need.''
-- Thomas Scoville
%%
``I will admit NT made my life easier in some respects. I found
  myself doing less remembering (names of utilities, command
  arguments, syntax) and more recognizing (solution components
  associated with check boxes, radio buttons, and pull-downs). I
  spent much less time typing. Certainly my right hand spent much
  more time herding the mouse around the desktop. But after a few
  months I started to get a tired, desolate feeling, akin to the
  fatigue I feel after too much channel surfing or videogaming:
  too much time spent reacting, not enough spent in active
  analysis and expression. In short, image-culture burnout.''
-- Thomas Scoville
%%
Den som tager spøg for spøg og alvor kun alvorligt
Han har faktisk fattet begge dele lige dårligt!
-- Piet Hein
%%
``The hardest thing in life is to learn how to lose. Winning and
  making massive profits is easy, but learning what matters is
  more important.''
-- Alf Poier
%%
``By making music, we inspire... if we made perfect music, we
  could not inspire, just overwhelm. By striving, we create, and
  thus we achieve.''
-- Carolina Casaril
%%
``Technology is a word for something that doesn't work yet''
-- Douglas Adams
%%
``Elle aime bien ça -- les stratagemes.''
-- Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain
%%
``It is... pink!''
-- Guybrush Threepwood
%%
The best weapon against logic is ignorance.
%%
A person who does not want to be struck by the enemy's arrows
will have no divine protection. For a man who does not wish to be
hit by the arrows of a common soldier, but rather those of a
warrior of fame, there will be the protection for which he asked.
-- The Hagakure
%%
economist, n.: Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have
enough personality to become an accountant.
%%
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
%%
The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it.
The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only): Don't
do it yet.
-- Michael Jackson
%%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
%%
``What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?''
-- Bertolt Brecht
%%
Hit any user to continue.
%%
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
%%
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
%%
There's no future in time travel.
%%
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
%%
()  Join the ASCII ribbon campaign against HTML
/\  e-mail and Microsoft attachments.
%%
Here's the truth: People, even regular people, are never just any
one person with one set of attributes. It's not that simple.
We're all at the mercy of the limbic system, clouds of
electricity drifting through the brain. Every man is broken into
twenty-four-hour fractions, and then again within those
twenty-four hours. It's a daily pantomime, one man yielding
control to the next: a backstage crowded with old hacks clamoring
for their turn in the spotlight. Every week, every day. The angry
man hands the baton over to the sulking man, and in turn to the
sex addict, the introvert, the conversationalist. Every man is a
mob, a chain gang of idiots.
-- from "Memento Mori" by Jonathan Nolan
%%
``Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without
  having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it
  too?''
-- Douglas Adams
%%
``The biblical account of Noah's Ark and the Flood is perhaps the
  most implausible story for fundamentalists to defend. Where,
  for example, while loading his ark, did Noah find penguins and
  polar bears in Palestine?''
-- Judith Hayes
%%
``How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four.
  Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.''
-- Abraham Lincoln
%%
``Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it,
  poorly.''
-- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack
%%
``Editing is a rewording activity.''
-- Alan J. Perlis
%%
Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for
them.
-- Alan J. Perlis
%%
``When someone says 'I want a programming language in which I
  need only say what I wish done', give him a lollipop.''
-- Alan J. Perlis
%%
``It is the user who should parameterize procedures, not their
  creators.''
-- Alan J. Perlis
%%
``The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in
  Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything
  for the layman.''
-- Alan J. Perlis
%%
You walk through the park 'til the clouds seem to darken the sky
And you wish you could soften your mind
But you feel like they've locked you in time
And you think you'll be perfectly fine once you get to the water
-- Transatlantic, "All Of the Above"
%%
``You have the right to free speech as long as you're not dumb
  enough to actually try it.''
-- Unknown
%%
``Even more amazing was the realization that God has Internet
  access. I wonder if He has a full newsfeed?''
-- Matt Welsh
%%
``If the designers of X-Windows built cars, there would be no
  fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none
  of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to
  shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that.''
-- Marus J. Ranum, Digital Equipment Corporation
%%
``A right is not what someones gives you, it's what no one can
  take from you.''
-- Ramsey Clark
%%
``In their capacity as a tool, computers will be but a ripple on
  the surface of our culture. In their capacity as intellectual
  challenge, they are without precedent in the cultural history
  of mankind.''
-- E. W. Dijkstra in his Turing Award lecture.
%%
``The question of whether computers can think is like the
  question of whether submarines can swim.''
-- E. W. Dijkstra
%%
``Software is a gas. It will expand to fill whatever container it
  is placed in.''
-- R. Martell, 1999
%%
How can I make that Other, no longer part of me,
who of his own accord will do what I alone desire?
What a predicament for a god, a grievous disgrace!
With disgust I find only myself, every time,
in everything I create.
The Other man for whom I long, that Other I can never find:
for the Free man has to create himself;
I can only create subjects to myself.
-- Wotan (Odin) discovers the crux of A.I. programming. Richard
   Wagner (1813-1883), "Die Walküre".
%%
``Besides a mathematical inclination, an exceptionally good
  mastery of one's native tongue is the most vital asset of a
  competent programmer.''
-- E. W. Dijkstra
%%
``Don't treat fictional people as if they were human beings. It
  only encourages them.''
-- Karl Ove Hufthammer
%%
``When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a
  child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put
  away childish things.''
-- Corinthians 13:11
%%
Living is
a thing you do
now or never --
which do you?
-- Piet Hein
%%
You'll probably find that it suits your book
to be a bit cleverer than you look.
Observe that the easiest method by far
is to look a bit stupider than you are.
-- Piet Hein
%%
Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,
and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.

No -- not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping.
-- Piet Hein
%%
If you knew what you will know
when your candle has burnt low,
it would greatly ease your plight
while your candle still burns bright.
-- Piet Hein
%%
A bit beyond perception's reach
I sometimes believe I see
that Life is two locked boxes, each
containing the other's key.
-- Piet Hein
%%
``What do you mean that we exist outside the box? Fuck the Box!''
-- sig of Jaymz Julian (alih@artificial-stupidity.net)
%%
``Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming
  instead of watching television.''
-- Cal Keegan
%%
``I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
  deserve that either.''
-- Jack Benny
%%
``A word of warning about matrices -- each column must have the
  same number of elements in it. The world will end if you get
  this wrong.''
-- eqn user manual
%%
"I meant," said Iplsore bitterly, "what is there in this world
that makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it. "CATS," he said eventually, "CATS ARE
NICE."
-- Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
%%
WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. DELETE IS BACKSPACE.
%%
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
%%
The four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
%%
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
%%
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
%%
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
%%
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
%%
Beware the chickens, for in their silence, they plot...
%%
Eagles may soar, but weasels are seldom sucked into jet engines.
%%
``Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on
  fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.''
-- Gregory S. Sutter
%%
``Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.''
-- Voltaire
%%
``The UNIX system has a command, nice, which allows a user to
  voluntarily reduce the priority of his process, in order to be
  nice to other users. Nobody ever uses it''
-- A. S. Tanenbaum, Modern Operating Systems
%%
``Computer games don't affect kids... I mean, if Pacman affected
  us as kids, we'd all run around in a darkened room munching
  pills and listening to repetitive music.''
-- Unknown
%%
``So welcome to the Kali Yuga of the Pandaemonaeon wherein
  nothing is true and everything is permissible. For in these
  post-absolutist days it is better to build upon the shifting
  sands than the rock which will confound you on the day it
  shatters. Philosophers have become no more than the keepers of
  useful sarcasms, for the secret is out, that there is no secret
  of the universe.''
-- Anonymous, http://www.io.com/~shub/amc/faq05.html#magick
%%
``Some believed that we lacked the programming language to
  describe your perfect world''
-- Agent Smith
%%
``Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is
  about telescopes.''
-- E. W. Dijkstra
%%
Rincewind squinted up at the notice.
"Of course I can read it", he said. "I just don't happen to
believe it."
"Multiple exclamation marks", he went on, shaking his head, "are
a sure sign of a diseased mind."
-- Terry Pratchett, "Eric"
%%
``Penalties against possession of a drug should not be more
  damaging to an individual than the use of the drug itself.''
-- President Jimmy Carter, Message to Congress, August 2, 1977
%%
``Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents,
  gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.''
-- Socrates, 470BC - 399BC
%%
``I did have several acquaintances who died slumped over
  keyboards at least two of them had heart attacks or some such,
  but none of them were Amiga users. I don't know of anyone who
  was an Amiga user who died slumped over their Amiga.''
-- Paula Lieberman
%%

Frasier and Niles cross to the table where quotations books are laid across the
table along with Frasier's speech.


Niles:   I see your "Bartletts" is out. You're not pulling any punches!

Frasier: Hardly. I go in swinging with Le Roché Va Coe; "If we had no faults of

         our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of
	 others".
Niles:   Ouch!

Frasier: And when I've knocked them realing, I go in with a jab of Dorothy

         Parker; "Wit has truth in it, wise-cracking is merely calous thenix
	 with words".
Niles:   Pow!

Frasier: And when they're bloody and against the ropes, I go in with the kill;
         Twain! Wilde! Twain! Twain! Menkan!
Niles:   It's not a fight, it's an execution!
%%
Spam was, Spam is and Spam shall be. After summer is winter, and
after winter, summer. It ruled once where Man rules now; where
Man rules now, it shall rule again. As a foulness shall ye know
it. Spam!
%%
``I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death
  your right to say it.''
-- Francois Voltaire
%%
``Screw everybody but ourselves. Screw each other once we get
  bored. They are turning the Internet, something created with
  taxpayer funds, from a distributed, user-driven technology,
  into another television channel. Why? Because TV they
  understand: It sells you stuff every 5 1/2 minutes, like
  clockwork. They could never get the Internet to do that, in its
  original permutation. All that messy Usenet and IRC and ICQ and
  Napster and Gnutella gumming up the works, and giving the
  software away, to boot!. So...Control it, get congress to pass
  some laws you wrote. They don't mind "The Dark Dungeons of The
  Internet", as long as someone can sell you something in them
  dungeons, have the merchandising franchise.''
-- Skal Loret
%%
``Truth is a river that is always splitting up into arms that
  reunite. Islanded between the arms the inhabitants argue for a
  lifetime as to which is the main river.''
-- Cyril Connolly
%%
``The life of the coder is that of the hermit, except the hermit
  can't make shadebobs.''
-- Leviathan
%%
``Forgive me if this is the booze talking, but what is a classy
  place like this doing around a transvestite like you?''
-- The Spark
%%
``If Arsenic Fails, Try Algebra''
-- Unknown
%%
Yes, God had a deadline. So He wrote it all in Lisp.
%%
``In trying to be both a tutorial and reference work, this book
  aims itself in style halfway between the two extremes of
  manual, Tedium and Gnawfinger's Elements of Batch Processing in
  COBOL-66, third edition, and Mr Blobby's Blobby Book of
  Computer Fun. (This makes some sections both leaden and
  patronising.)''
-- the Inform manual
%%
``For the previous comment on a Users imagination, this is 2001,
  we're not supposed to have imaginations anymore, we're all
  locked in our houses & spied on every minute of our lives by
  the government. Never tell your best friend he has a Vivid
  Imagination, or you'll find him dead the next day.''
-- Blue, on rec.arts.int-fiction
%%
``The PROPER way to handle HTML postings is to cancel the
  article, then hire a hitman to kill the poster, his wife and
  kids, and fuck his dog and smash his computer into little bits.
  Anything more is just extremism.''
-- attributed to Paul Tomblin on ASR
%%
I wish I had a shilling
for every senseless killing
I'd buy a government
-- NOFX, "The Decline"
%%
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
%%
Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death and sweet as
love.
-- Turkish proverb
%%
``Do not follow where the path may lead; go, instead, where there
  is no path, and leave a trail.''
-- Unknown
%%
While reading ordinary books to my son (who turns three next
month), I frequently stop and ask him questions about the
story... his favorite book of late is "101 Dalmations," and
sometimes I ask him, "If you saw Cruella De Vil chasing after
those puppies, what would you say?"
One time, he said, "I would tell her, 'You don't hit puppies
because that's mean."
"And what would Cruella do?"
"She would get back in her car and drive away."
"And then what would the puppies do?" "They would get into a
helicopter and fly home."
"And what would you do?"
(pause)
"I wouldn't do anything because I'm not in the book."
-- Dennis G. Jerz, on rec.arts.int-fiction
%%
``If a picture is worth a thousand words, when it comes to a
  story, I'd rather have the thousand words.''
-- Dennis G. Jerz, on rec.arts.int-fiction
%%
``Functionless art is merely tolerated vandalism, we are the
  vandals.''
-- Christopher Jenkins, head of Electronic Arts graphics
   devision.
%%
If God didn't want us to eat cows, he wouldn't have made them out
of meat.
%%
``There is only one computer program, and we're all just writing
  pieces of it.''
-- Thant Tessman (on comp.lang.scheme)
%%
``You can only examine 10 levels of pushdown, because that's all
  the fingers you have to stick in the listing.''
-- Anonymous programmer - "TOPS-10 Crash Analysis Guide"
%%
``At the time, it was the thing to come up with recursive
  acronyms -- tint = "Tint Is Not Teco," eine = "Eine Is Not
  Emacs," mint = "Mint Is Not Tex," and, of course, much later,
  gnu. I was getting *really* tired of this one-note joke, so I
  suggested we rename U to be "line," which stood for "Line Is
  Not Recursive." Even better, we could then say things like "I
  don't use emacs; I prefer the line editor." Which would have
  been fun. But we decided that, itself, was kind of a one-note
  joke that wouldn't wear well. So we settled on "lime," which
  has the advantage of being a real word, and stood for "Lime Is
  Mostly Recursive."
  
  But I digress.''
-- Olin Shivers
%%
I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend but I'm a little
glowing friend but really I'm not actually your friend but I
am...
%%
A hacker does for love what others wouldn't do for money.
%%
Once he was strong and filled with visions
With life ahead he set his aims
Then things went wrong... Now his ambitions
have turned to smiles Conserved in frames
-- Pain Of Salvation, "Entropia"
%%
The Wright Brothers first flight at Kitty Hawk was lower and
shorter than the height and length of a Boeing 747.
%%
Punk pretty soon becomes criminal. Jailed, criminal becomes,
soon, pretty punk.
-- Jean Genet
%%
The devil can cite
Scripture for his purpose.
-- Shakespeare
%%
If god can be god, why couldn't I?
%%
``She's input herself into the game; we have to download her.''
-- Agent Scully
%%
And Semper Cuni Linctus, the very night that he reamed his
subaltern for taking native superstitions seriously, passed an
olive garden and saw the Seventeen ... and with them was the
Eighteenth, the one they had crucified the Friday before. "Magna
Mater", he swore, creeping closer, "am I losing my mind?" The
Eighteenth, whatshisname, the preacher, had set up a wheel and
was distributing cards to them. Now, he turned the wheel and
called out the number at which it stopped. The centurion watched,
in growing amazement, as the process was repeated several times,
and the cards were marked each time the wheel stopped. Finally,
the big one, Simon, shouted "Bingo!" The scion of the noble
Linctus family turned and fled ... Behind him, the luminous
figure said, "Do this in commemoration of me."
 "I thought we were supposed to do the bread and wine bit in
commemmoration of you?" Simon objected.
 "Do both", the ghostly one said. "The bread and wine is too
symbolic and arcane for some folks. This one is what will bring
in the mob. You see, fellows, if you want to bring the Movement
to the people, you have to start from where the people are at."
-- "Illuminatus!" by R. Shea / R. A. Wilson
%%
It is getting dark again
Dusk shuffle across the fields
The evening trees moan as if they knew
At night I always dream of you

wwwhhhHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAARRRRRRRRHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh
-- Opeth, "Black Rose Immortal"
%%
``The Organizer is an organizer. If you want that sort of thing,
  you may want to get it.''
-- Dan Englender, trying to help a newbie
%%
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
-- Arabian proverb
%%
"But it can't be", Joe Malik says, half weeping. "It can't be
that crazy. Buildings wouldn't stand. Planes wouldn't fly. Dams
would collapse. Engineering colleges would be lunatic asylums."
"They aren't already?" Simon asks.
-- "Illuminatus!" by R. Shea / R. A. Wilson
%%
``What concerns me even more is this: under Windows I created a
  new spreadsheet, inserted an image (http://blahblah), saved it
  and exited, then ran it through strings, and saw some data from
  an email I sent a while ago. WTF???''
-- Kurt Seifried
%%
``All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.''
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%%
The problem with paradigms is that shift happens.
%%
``I'm much more interested in the fiction side of [interactive
  fiction] than the gaming side; I've always been rather wretched
  when it comes to figuring out puzzles, which is why I enjoyed A
  MIND FOREVER VOYAGING so: the rewards came not from figuring
  out to look under the rug and open the trap door to find the
  piece of coal to feed to the furnace in the basement so that
  150 moves later the ice will melt in four turns instead of five
  and dilute the poison in the cup you're forced to drink, but
  rather from wandering around and looking at things.''
-- Adam Cadre
%%
checking for mass_quantities_of_bass_ale in -lFridge... no
checking for mass_quantities_of_any_ale in -lFridge... no
Warning: No ales were found in your refrigerator.
We highly suggest that you rectify this situation immediately.
-- configure script of Enlightenment
%%
witlag, n.: the delay between delivery and comprehension of a
joke.
%%
Piracy is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark.
-- .sig of Solignac Julien
%%
``Windows 2000: A local user may create a customized folder, and
  if the the Administrator opens it as a web page (which is
  default) then the administrator account is compromised. It is
  amazing that when the Administrator opens the folder a security
  warning '...may be unsafe... Do you want to allow it to be
  initialized and accessed by scripts?' with 'Yes/No' buttons.
  Whatever button you choose, the content is executed. I find
  this funny.''
-- Georgi Guninski
%%
``Darkness reigns at the foot of the lighthouse.''
-- Japanese proverb
%%
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
%%
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
%%
Illiterate? Write for free help!
%%
An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.
A pessimist is sure of it!
%%
X Windows: A terminal disease.
%%
VI VI VI: The editor of the beast.
%%
Intel: where Quality is job number 0.9998782345!
%%
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also
upside down.
%%
``Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains an
  ad hoc, informally-specified, bug-ridden, slow implementation
  of half of Common Lisp.''
-- Philip Greenspun
%%
/"\
\ /     ASCII Ribbon Campaign                            
 X      Against HTML Mail
/ \
%%
``If you're afraid of loneliness, do not marry.''
-- Anton Chekhov
%%
Philosophical error: Demonstrate the existence of a key to
continue.
%%
``There's a thin person inside every fat person -- I ate
  mine...''
-- Graffiti
%%
Please let me know if you did not receive this message.
%%
I can resist everything except temptation.
%%
Don't be sexist. Chicks hate it.
%%
health, n.: The slowest possible way of dying.
%%
ACRONYM: Abbreviated Coded Rendition Of Name Yielding Meaning
%%
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
%%
``Everyone has the right to freedom of expression; this right
  includes freedom to hold opinions without intereference, and to
  seek, recieve and impart information and ideas, through any
  media, regardless of frontiers.''
-- Article 19 of the United Nations Universal Declaration of
   Human Rights
%%
``Life is about the freedom of choice and the ability to express
  one's self without having to restrict yourself because you made
  a comment about a product.''
-- Kirk Kimmel
%%
``The great question... which I have not been able to answer...
  is, "What does woman want?"''
-- Sigmund Freud
%%
:D1ck! :what is yure d? /dev/hda2?
:D1ck! :what is yure d? /dev/dba1
:D1ck! :?

:J4n3! :.Filesystem           1k-blocks      Used Available Use% Mounted on

:J4n3! :./dev/hda8              1935132    878956    957780  48% /

:J4n3! :./dev/hda7                23302      2650     19449  12% /boot

:J4n3! :./dev/hda1              2064032   1230496    833536  60% /mnt
:D1ck! :oki
:D1ck! :mkdir /win; mount -t vfat /dev/hda2 /win
:D1ck! :wait, what is /dev/hda7
:D1ck! :?
:J4n3! :linux swap partition
:D1ck! :ok
-- Actual IRC l33t script kiddie logs,
   http://www.securityfocus.com/focus/ids/articles/kye/motives.html
%%
:J4n3! :oye tell me how do i mount my drive d ?
:D1ck! :d:
:D1ck! :?
:J4n3! :hmmm let me check
:D1ck! :mount /mnt/cdrom
:J4n3! :yaar drive d
:D1ck! :mount -t msdos /dev/fd0 /mnt/floppy
:J4n3! :no no
:D1ck! :mount -t vfat /dev/hda1 /mnt/win

:J4n3! :for mounting drive c i write mount -t msdos /dev/hda1 /mnt
:D1ck! :?
:D1ck! :i write
:D1ck! :mount -t vfat /dev/hda1 /heh
-- Actual IRC l33t script kiddie logs,
   http://www.securityfocus.com/focus/ids/articles/kye/motives.html
%%
:Sp07 :what is lahore ?
:D1ck :lahore==city
:D1ck :Sp07 give me a good quote
:Sp07 :I thought it was the whore in french
:Sp07 :ill go get a quote fo you
:D1ck :heh
:D1ck :ok
:Sp07 :I dont know any in my ehad
:Sp07 :hea
:Sp07 :d
:Sp07 :Silence is gold, if nothing better you hold.
:Sp07 :tahts gay
:Sp07 :I heard a quote before

:Sp07 :goes something like "If you want peace, you must prepare for war"
:Sp07 :I herad it in a simpsons episode   
-- Actual IRC l33t script kiddie logs,
   http://www.securityfocus.com/focus/ids/articles/kye/motives.html
%%

:D1ck :i want some one with good writing skillz
:D1ck :to write About, FAQ
:D1ck :etc [...]

:D1ck :K1dd13 came into existance almost a year ago. It was born out of hate

and contempt for violence, atrocities and human rights violations against

Muslims, specially the affectees in Kashmir. It was precipitated to bring
the attention of world leaders and

:D1ck :organizations to the issue in cyberspace which is today the leading
source of communication.
:D1ck :is that fair enuff?
:Sp07 :eyah I guess
:Sp07 :I thought it was like a hacking group
-- Actual IRC l33t script kiddie logs,
   http://www.securityfocus.com/focus/ids/articles/kye/motives.html
%%
I hate reading Victor Hugo, said Les miserably.
%%
``But as an interface on a computer when I want to get some work
  done, this animated stuff is like a chocolate coating on the
  handle of a screwdriver.''
-- Don Cox
%%
When all you have is an axe, every problem looks like hours of
enjoyment.
%%
``Guy sits at his computer and boots it. [...] while the computer
  is booting he looks at the monitor and thinks. The guy wispers
  'damm, I forgot were I wanted to go today'; he closes his
  computer and goes to bed.''
-- Anonymous @ Slashdot
%%
``There can be 13 year old programmers but not 13 year old
  lawyers.''
-- Amstrad 6128 manual
%%
# human firmware exploit
# Word will insert into your optic buffer
# without bounds checking
"BLAHFOOM"
-- Dave Booth
%%
``Ordinary decent people in this country are sick and tired of
  being told that ordinary decent people in this country are fed
  up with being sick and tired. I am certainly not, and I'm sick
  and tired of being told that I am.''
-- Monty Python
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you?
%%
``Where does revenge end, and justice begin?''
-- Sheridan
%%
The best things in life aren't things.
%%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch
up.
%%
Life is like an analogy.
%%
Dawn crept silently across the yard... searching for her car
keys.
%%
``We've combed the parsing subroutine. Yes, Sir, twice.''
-- Tech team trying to figure out a way to revive a recently
   killed artificial intelligence in an X Files episode.
%%
``Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to
  look like you.''
-- Gilda Radner
%%
Latest figures show the death rate remaining steady at one per
person.
%%
``A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
  well.''
-- Unknown
%%
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
%%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
%%
"Then again--'BEFORE SHE HAD THIS FIT--' you never had fits, my
dear, I think?" he said to the Queen.
"Never!" said the Queen furiously, throwing an inkstand at the
Lizard as she spoke. (The unfortunate little Bill had left off
writing on his slate with one finger, as he found it made no
mark; but he now hastily began again, using the ink, that was
trickling down his face, as long as it lasted.)
"Then the words don't FIT you," said the King, looking round the
court with a smile. There was a dead silence.
-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures In Wonderland"
%%
"Read them", said the King.
The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. "Where shall I begin,
please your Majesty?" he asked.
"Begin at the beginning", the King said gravely, "and go on till
you come to the end: then stop."
-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures In Wonderland"
%%
`Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?' asked another of they
jurymen.
`No, they're not,' said the White Rabbit, `and that's the
queerest thing about it.' (The jury all looked puzzled.)
`He must have imitated somebody else's hand,' said the King. (The
jury all brightened up again.)
-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures In Wonderland"
%%
The first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup in one
hand and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other.
 `I beg pardon, your Majesty,' he began, `for bringing these in:
but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for.'
 `You ought to have finished,' said the King. `When did you
begin?'
The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who had followed him into
the court, arm-in-arm with the Dormouse. `Fourteenth of March, I
think it was,' he said.
 `Fifteenth,' said the March Hare.
 `Sixteenth,' added the Dormouse.
 `Write that down,' the King said to the jury, and the jury
eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then
added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.
-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures In Wonderland"
%%
One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked. This of course,
Alice could not stand, and she went round the court and got
behind him, and very soon found an opportunity of taking it away.
She did it so quickly that the poor little juror (it was Bill,
the Lizard) could not make out at all what had become of it; so,
after hunting all about for it, he was obliged to write with one
finger for the rest of the day; and this was of very little use,
as it left no mark on the slate.
-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures In Wonderland"
%%
All generalizations are false.
%%
``The rule which forbids ending a sentence with a preposition is
  the kind of nonsense up with which I will not put.''
-- Winston Churchill
%%
Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately it kills all of its
pupils.
%%
``Why does bottled water have an expiration date?''
-- Trent
%%
``Perhaps tech-hacking -- the mischievous manipulation of
  technology -- goes back even further. One of the old favourites
  of US campus life was to rewire the control panels of elevators
  in high-rise buildings, so that a request for the third floor
  resulted in the occupants being whizzed to the twenty-third.''
-- Hugo Cornwall
%%
``A cashless world would make everything available, but our greed
  would thereby exhaust everything''
-- Anonymous
%%
An informal survey conducted on about a dozen Internet sites
(educational, military, and commercial, with over 200 hosts and
40000 accounts) revealed that [...] it was not uncommon to have
well over one hundred entries in an account's .rhosts file, and
on a few occasions, the number was over five hundred! (This is
not a record one should be proud of owning.) [...] Although it
was very difficult to verify how many of the entries were valid,
with [...] hostnames such as "Makefile", "Message-Id:", and
"^Cs^A^C^M^Ci^C^MpNu^L^Z^O"
-- from the text file "Improving the Security of Your Site by
   Breaking Into it"
%%
``My fingers are corssde.''
-- Gary Cunningham-Lee
%%
``I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man''
%%
Your mistakes are not behind you until you face them.
%%
#exclude <windows.h>
%%
``The only difference between theory and practice is that in
  theory there isn't any.''
%%
``Talking about music is like fishing about architecture.''
-- Frank Zappa
%%
``I use a $4 word, therefore I am.''
-- John Parmet
%%
Procrastinators UNITE... tomorrow.
%%
T-Shirt saying: Sorry but my karma just ran over your dogma.
%%
If I had something funny to say, I'd say it here.
%%
If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.
%%
``Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
  from bad judgment.''
-- Will Rogers
%%
Nobody needs to learn compassion, only to unlearn avoiding it.
%%
``These days, you can make a standard two basic ways: be
  Microsoft and release something totally incompatible with
  existing standards that does the same thing, or give it away.''
-- Dave Haynie
%%
``I put my faith in God, and my trust in you. Now there's nothing
  more fucked up I could do.''
-- Nine Inch Nails (Wish)
%%
``Alcohol is the cause of, and solution to, all of our
  problems.''
-- from The Simpsons
%%
She sells C shells.
%%
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
%%
``It takes two to lie: One to lie and one to listen.''
-- Homer Simpson
%%
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then
lie.
%%
``Play it three more times and call it jazz.''
-- Mingus, on "wrong notes".
%%
``Talking about love is like dancing about architecture.''
-- Music critic
%%
Thoughts while Eating at McDonald's "...if people were actually
shaped like those little "throw litter away" people-figures with
the pointy limbs that appear on the boxes the burgers come in,
they'd fall into gratings all the time and get stuck. But getting
out of jail would be really easy."
-- Kevin Madden
%%
Now you've got your voice
Your own speech
Don't wait 'till
Someone else agrees
-- Rafael Bittencourt, Angra
%%
``In an infinite universe, anything is possible.''
-- Ford Prefect
%%
``Fate lies on the other side. But fate lied before...''
-- GAS
%%
``If, at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for
  it.''
-- Albert Einstien
%%
``All options are optional.''
-- Documentation for the GNU Assembler
%%
``Never trust a spiritual leader who can't dance.''
-- Mr Miyagi
%%
Sometimes, when I would read a very good book, I would stop and
thank my teacher. At least, I used to, until she got an unlisted
number.
%%
``I bequeath my entire estate to my wife on condition that she
  marries again. I want to be sure that there will be at least
  one man who will regret my death.''
-- Heinrich Heine
%%
``When in Paris, I always eat at the Eiffel Tower restaurant
  because it's the only place I can avoid seeing the damn
  thing.''
-- William Morris
%%
``Core files are the dog shit of UNIX.''
-- Jason Lindquist
%%
``I've found that spaghetti sauce simmers best when you play
  opera at it.''
-- Dave Morgan
%%
``The IO's a bitch.''
-- A.C. Patel on neurological computing.
%%
``It's everything about 0's and 1's... or much ado about nothing
  and its complement.''
-- Prof. Loui of Boolean Algebra
%%
``Nothing sucks like a Sun.''
-- Joe Gross, commenting on ux4 rebooting.
%%
``F is for Fun (and Fortran)''
-- Jeremy Leboy, commenting on CS110F
%%
``We puke on the shoes of traditional design.''
-- Dave Morgan, commenting on the "Let's put a FPGA in there and
   worry about what it does later" philosophy of board layout.
%%
``I think that's illegal in Illinois.''
-- Ben Gross, after listening to Dan Pape read off names of Thai
   dishes.
%%
``Men hate passion, any great passion. Henry Cameron made a
  mistake: he loved his work. That was why he fought. That was
  why he lost.''
-- from "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand
%%
"Before they get out of that room, I want to run them through
every emotion in the book."
"Oh. Well, which emotion are they being put through now?"
"Boredom. Which is going to take a while."
-- from "Interface"
%%
"We don't print around here. That's barbaric."
"Ahr. If it can't be faxed, it's crap!"
-- B. Swetland and D. Wellman
%%
``The moral of the story is there's no PEZ today, but you can
  still learn X.''
-- Alan Braverman at a SigSoft Meeting
%%
``At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a
  managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.''
-- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
%%
``I can't say 'We're doing this because we're violating
  patents'... that's the *wrong* answer''
-- Chris Dunlap
%%
"Did you know there's a 'places of interest' section in the phone
book?"
"We're trying to find something to eat and he's surfing the phone
book!"
-- Mike Lee, Scott Powers
%%
Don't throw shit on an armed man.
Don't stand next to someone throwing shit on an armed man.
Don't shoot lasers at mirrors.
-- from Niven's laws
%%
``It would have helped if the Culture had used some sort of
  emblem or logo; but, pointlessly unhelpful and unrealistic to
  the last, the Culture refused to put its trust in symbols. It
  maintained that it was what it was and had no need for such
  outward representation. The Culture was every single human and
  machine in it, not one thing. Just as it could not imprison
  itself within laws, impoverish itself with money or misguide
  itself with leaders, so it would not misrepresent itself with
  signs.''
-- from "Consider Phlebas", by Iain M. Banks
%%
Martin Silenus made an expansive gesture. "I was baptized a
Lutheran," he said. "A subset which no longer exists. I helped
create Zen Gnosticism before any of your parents were born. I
have been a Catholic, a revelationist, a neo-Marxist, an
interface zealot, a Bound Shaker, a satanist, a bishop in the
Church of Jake's Nada, and a dues-paying subscriber to the
Assured Reincarnation Institute. Now, I am happy to say, I am a
simple pagan." He smiled at everyone. "To a pagan," he concluded,
"the Shrike is a most acceptable diety."
-- from Dan Simmons' "Hyperion"
%%
> Duh. it's called the "interweb" now.
Woman, you are so yesterday afternoon. It's the "intraweb",
"hyperweb," and "supra-dupra-web" now.
-- KC Smith and Paul Watts on uiuc.test
%%
``IF FICUS DOESN'T QUIT COMPLAINING ABOUT C++, HE WILL BE FOREVER
  REVOKED THE LICENSE TO USE EDDIE, REGARDLESS OF THE HARDWARE
  PLATFORM, OPERATING SYSTEM OR JURISDICTION.''
-- Pavel Cisler, in the Eddie license
%%
``If I have hacked deeper than them, it is because I stand in
  their trenches.''
-- Graham Nelson
%%
``scsi_cd_write does nothing, barring a major device physics
  breakthough.''
-- Wisdom from BeOS's src/nukernel/drivers/scsi_cd.c
%%
FILO. Which Randy knows is short for Finux Loader, a program that
allows you to choose which operating system you want to run.
 "Finux," Avi mumbles, answering Randy's unspoken question. Randy
types "Finux" and hits the return key.
 "How many operating systems you have on this thing?"
 "Windows 95, for games and when I need to let some lamer borrow
my computer temporarily," Avi says. "Windows NTY for office type
stuff. BeOS for hacking, and screwing around with media. Finux
for industrial-strength typesetting."
 "Which one do you want now?"
 "BeOS. Going to display some JPEGs. I assume there's an overhead
projector in this place?"
-- "Cryptonomicon", pg 184, by Neal Stephenson
%%
``Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the State of Indiana:
  It has been found that a circular area is to the square on a
  line equal to the quadrant of the circumference, as the area of
  an equilateral rectangle is to the square on one side.''
-- House Bill No. 246 of the Indiana State Legislature, 1897
%%
``Running after women never hurt anybody - it's catching them
  that does the damage.''
-- Jack Davies
%%
``I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 O'clock
  this afternoon.''
-- Henny Youngman
%%
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
%%
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
%%
-What is a cannibal's favorite game?
-Swallow the leader.
%%
-- When do cannibals leave the table?
-- When everyone's eaten.
%%
``A life? Which BBS can I download that from?''
%%
Everything about you
so perfectly restrained,
but everything inside you
bites you.
-- The Space..., Marillion
%%
``Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Psychiatrists say that 1 out of 4 people are mentally ill. Check
three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
%%
There is no task so simple that you can't screw it up.
%%
Never pet a burning dog.
%%
``Friends are people who'll help you move. REAL friends are
  people who'll help you move BODIES.''
%%
This email will self-destruct upon deletion.
%%
``Wow, I haven't taken a shower this whole millenium (we gotta
  kill this joke 'till it's really, really dead, cuz we don't get
  to use it again for another 1,000 years!)''
-- Fran Brennan
%%
``I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
  annoy me.''
%%
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave
away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of
humor.
%%
``Prayer has no place in school, just like facts have no place in
  religion.''
-- Superintendent Chalmers from "The Simpsons"
%%
``We blew a fuse with a BALLAD?!?''
-- Scott Henderson
%%
``Is Murder Meat?''
-- Phil Bos
%%
Sometimes silence is not golden, it's yellow.
%%
``Basically, I have this theory that there are five kinds of
  truth. (This is Joe's Theory of the Five Truths.) There is the
  truth you tell to casual strangers and acquaintances. There is
  the truth you tell to your general circle of friends and family
  members. There is the truth you tell to only one or two people
  in your entire life. There is the truth you tell to yourself.
  And finally, there is the truth that you do not admit even to
  yourself. And it's that fifth truth that provides some of the
  most interesting drama.....''
-- J. Michael Straczynski (creator of Babylon 5)
%%
``Marketing is the science of convincing us that What You Get Is
  What You Want.''
-- John Carter
%%
``Every film should have a beginning, a middle, and an end -- not
  necessarily in that order.''
-- Jean-Luc Goddard
%%
``My big hope is that Marc has a near-death experience and
  realizes to save his soul form the clutches of evil he needs to
  support HTML 3.0 with style sheets in the next release of
  Netscape 8)''
-- Nesta Stubbs
%%
``Boycott whaling? Then what will my cat eat?''
%%
``Where time or intelligence are lacking, a goto may do the
  job.''
-- M. E. Hopkins, "A Case for the GOTO," 1972.
%%
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this document are not
necessarily those of the author. At least one of them belongs to
Oscar Wilde, though he allows the author to borrow it from time
to time. Others may belong to the small hairy man who lives in
the mouldy shoebox at the bottom of his garden, and who probably
uses his vast technical knowledge and uncontrolled access to the
author's telephone cable to tap into his Internet account and
post all manner of weird things without his knowledge or consent,
or at least that would explain a lot of things.
-- .disclaimer of danielf@senet.com.au (Daniel Frankham)
%%
``In keeping with my non-Aristotelian or
  relativist-Existentialist bias, I do not classify ideas as
  simply "true" or "false." I prefer to assign them
  probabilities, on a scale from 0 (the Aristotelian "false") to
  10 (the Aristotelian "true"). A rating of 5 means that I am
  still sitting geometrically on the middle of the fence, above 5
  means that I presently lean somewhat toward belief and below 5
  means that today I lean somewhat toward finding no value in
  this gloss at all (for me). I admit cheerfully that I am such
  an advanced case of Aggravated Agnosticism that whenever I do
  move something into 0 or 10, I get nervous, wonder if I am
  becoming as simple-minded as the Pope or Dr. Carl Sagan and
  start looking for evidence to move that meme toward 1 or 9.''
-- Robert Anton Wilson, in the Introduction to his play "Wilhelm
   Reich in Hell"
%%
``If we wish to count lines of code, we should not regard them as
  "lines produced" but as "lines spent".''
-- Edsger Dijkstra
%%
``They're not suicidal. They just think they can fly.''
-- Donna Lypchuk, on Cats that jump off balconies
%%
``Minsky and I require every graduate student to take an oath at
  the grave of E.E. "Doc" Smith before he can receive a PhD in
  AI.''
-- John McCarthy, Computer Science Department, Stanford, CA 94305
%%
``I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
  butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a
  man.''
-- Chang-tzu
%%
``... A socialist, anti-family, political movement that
  encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
  practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.''
-- Pat Robertson on feminism
%%
``[T]he lesson [comic books] taught children -- or this child, at
  any rate -- was perhaps the unintentionally radical truth that
  exceptionality was the greatest and most heroic of values; that
  those who were unlike the crowd were to be treasured the most
  lovingly; and that this exceptionality was a treasure so great
  that it had to be concealed, in ordinary life, beneath what the
  comic books called a 'secret identity'.''
-- Salman Rushdie
%%
one with nintendo
halcyon symbiosis
hand thinks for itself
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
the sand remembers
once there was beach and sunshine
but chip is warm too
-- Damon Koronakos and Brian Roberts: HI-TECH HAIKUS
%%
I wonder why. I wonder why.
I wonder why I wonder.
I wonder WHY I wonder why I wonder why I wonder!
-- Richard P. Feynman
%%
``Nature has neither kernel nor shell; she is everything at
  once.''
-- Goethe (Goethe advocated Lisp machines?!)
%%
``Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
  a rigged demo.''
-- Unknown
%%
``A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular.''
-- Adlai Stevenson
%%
Rumor has it that when they closed down the 7094 at MIT in 1973,
they found a low-priority job that had been submitted in 1967 and
had not yet been run.
%%
``Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but
  withstand progress.''
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%%
``The only difference between a madman and myself is that I am
  not mad.''
-- S. Dali
%%
``You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right?
  Please wait until I am wrong.''
-- John von Neumann, on being phoned at 10 a.m.
%%
``The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as
  the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets,
  and to steal bread.''
-- Anatole France
%%
``Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.''
-- Unknown
%%
``You should never bet against anything in science at odds of
  more than about 10-12 to 1.''
-- Ernest Rutherford
%%
``The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws.''
-- Tacitus, 56-120 A.D.
%%
``There is no distinctly native American criminal class except
  Congress.''
-- Mark Twain
%%
``The world's a stage and most of us are desperately
  unrehearsed.''
-- Sean O'Casey
%%
Q: If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes
around?
A: Some of them were given choices.
-- from Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C."
%%
``If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
  doing you good, you should run for your life.''
-- Thoreau's Law
%%
``If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent
  revolution inevitable.''
-- John F. Kennedy
%%
``There is nothing that somebody, somewhere, will not consider
  immoral.''
-- Jan.Six@uku.fi
%%
Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the
apostrophe?
Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small
business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at
the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or:
NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept
to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered small-business signs
is that you should put quotation marks around random words for
decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT
DOG'S.
-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%%
``Oh wait. You are a self-admitted Communist; therefore, you
  *cannot* judge for yourself, but must obey 'the will of the
  people'. Must make it hard to order food in a restauraunt.
  'Waiter, what are the masses having?'''
-- Lizard (lizard@expressway.com)
%%
``_I_ think we have not had visitors from other planets because
  they have tried to decode our character encoding, and concluded
  that it wouldn't be worth it.''
-- Erik Naggum
%%
``We trained hard -- but it seemed that every time we were
  beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to
  learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by
  reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for
  creating the illusion of progress while actually producing
  confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.''
-- Popularly attributed to Petronius Arbiter (210 B.C.), but
   probably of modern origin
%%
``To say that 1 gram of plutonium could kill everyone on the
  planet is like saying one drop of sperm could impregnate all of
  the women in China.''
-- Tom Orth
%%
``The first alteration I would suggest is to change the spelling
  of netiquette because it is just too difficult.''
-- Stephen Boursy, alt.culture.usenet
%%
``In America, sex is an obsession; in the rest of the world, it
  is a fact.''
-- Marlene Dietrich
%%
``As I grow older and older,
  And totter toward the tomb,
  I find that I care less and less
  Who goes to bed with whom.''
-- Dorothy Parker
%%
``Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for
  in no other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for
  product failure.''
-- Unknown
%%
``No, I don't think smoking should be illegal. Smokers are
  already getting the death penalty!''
-- from Stev0's "rant of the week" on smoking
%%
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained
by stupidity.
%%
``Putting smokers and non-smokers in the same room is like having
  a urinating and a non-urinating section in a swimming pool.''
-- Ross Parker
%%
ELECELLERATION: Pressing an elevator button a lot to speed it up.
%%
Fleishman: I guess in a way, we're all one big tribe.
Ed: That's true. -- (Pause) -- But you can't hang out with five
billion people.
-- NX, episode "Our Tribe"
%%
``For any twentieth-century American who'd been paying attention
  at all, the phrase 'criminal justice system' should have been
  warning enough.''
-- L. Neil Smith (W.W. Curringer, in "Pallas")
%%
``We are a nation of laws, poorly written and randomly
  enforced.''
-- Frank Zappa
%%
``I don't like your I-can-use-anything-as-an-adjective
  attitude.''
-- Larry Wall
%%
Contrary to popular belief, the world is not ASCII.
-- from the xemacs 19.12 documentation on define-key
%%
``The Wittenberg church door was Usenet for Luther's community.''
-- Nick Arnett
%%
``Usenet is essentially Letters to the Editor without the editor.
  Editors don't appreciate this, for some reason.''
-- Larry Wall
%%
``If you have been to Moscow during Soviet times, you will
  probably remember paying almost nothing to be ignored by a
  waiter in a restaurant. Now you pay a fortune to be ignored by
  ten waiters.''
-- Ken Thompson
%%
``Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
  themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.''
-- Susan Ertz
%%
``Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not
  care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for
  anything you may have done or failed to do which requires
  forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else
  may be required to insure any possible benefit for which you
  may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that
  this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case
  may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said
  benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary
  between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which
  may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as
  it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
  in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.''
-- "Creatures of Light and Darkness", Roger Zelazny
   (1937-14.6.1995)
%%
C++ is to C as Lung Cancer is to Lung.
%%
``C++ is the only current language making COBOL look good.''
-- Bertrand Meyer
%%
The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
-- from the "Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes"
%%
When asked *why* he was dragging a lobster through the the Bois
de Boulogne on a length of pink(?) ribbon, Nerval replied "it
does not bark and it knows the secrets of the sea." The same goes
for a good cat except that, I fancy, it knows everything.
-- Jane Skinner
%%
VAXORCIST: Everything looks okay to me.
SYSMGR:    Maybe it's hibernating.

VAXORCIST: Unlikely. It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense of security.

SYSMGR:    Sounds like VMS alright. (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look)
-- from "The Vaxorcist", (C) 1991 by Christopher Russell
%%
``Someone once calculated that with all the addressing modes the
  longest instruction was 104 words.''
-- Peter da Silva, on the TRON architecture
%%
``Read the OSI protocol specifications? I can't even *lift*
  them!''
-- henry@zoo.toronto.edu
%%
``Every time i see the LaTeX message "Labels may have changed", i
  silently complete it with "... but not the fact that I am
  right".''
-- Unknown
%%
``I've always thought of these die-hard libertarians as people
  who haven't yet figured out that the government is just another
  natural resource to be exploited.''
-- David Zink
%%
``People are flexible enough to make any theory look good for a
  while.''
-- Jaron Lanier
%%
``Architecture is Politics.''
-- Mitch Kapor
%%
In an essay about programming, Ellen Ullman tells a great
anecdote about a programmer who was so socially inept that they
could only communicate with him via email, even they all shared
the same office. She also writes: "Pretty graphical interfaces
are commonly called user-friendly. But they are not really your
friends. Underlying every user-friendly interface is terrific
contempt for the humans who will use it. ...to build a
crash-proof system, the designer must be able to imagine--and
disallow--the dumbest action possible. He or she has to think of
every single stupid thing a human being could do. Gradually, over
months and years, the designer's mind creates a construct of the
user as an imbecile. This image is necessary. No crash-proof
system can be built unless it is made for an idiot."
%%
Life starts at '030, fun starts at '040, impotence starts at '86
%%
``It is very common to give natural language words technical
  meanings.''
-- John McCarthy
%%
``Paradise is exactly like where you are right now .... Only
  much, much better.''
-- Laurie Anderson
%%
``What experience and history teach is this -- that people and
  government never have learned anything from history, or acted
  on principles deduced from it.''
-- Hegel
%%
``I made my fortune the old fashioned way... I inherited it!''
-- Malcom Forbes
%%
``If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion
  or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.''
-- Gelet Burgess
%%
``HTML has followed nature's example... bright, sometimes
  flashing, colors are a sign of indigestiblility.''
-- Rob Hartill
%%
Actually, the *real* definition of millennium states that (for
whatever reason) every other millennium is of 999 years, as
opposed to 1000. You can go look it up, "Dictionary of the
English Language" London Press, 1925. ... That seems to make
everyone happy, the new millennium starts in 2000 and the lack of
year 0 is accounted for.
-- Someone called "Dan" on a mailing list, December 24, 1999.
%%
``The last thing we want is a "cover-up." ...there's no reason to
  take out intelligent and purely speculative posts. Even if
  they're true.''
-- Chris Dornfeld, 4 November 1998
%%
``Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an
  hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a
  minute. THAT'S relativity.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work
  is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the
  present, but an equation is something for eternity.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can
  assure you mine are still greater.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we
  used when we created them.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He
  integrates empirically.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's
  living at it.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a
  part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his
  thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a
  kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is
  a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires
  and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must
  be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of
  compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of
  nature in its beauty.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You
  pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
  Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the
  same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The
  only difference is that there is no cat.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of
  me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics,
  know that the distinction between past, present, and future is
  only a stubbornly persistent illusion.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
  It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom
  this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder
  and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are
  closed.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``The release of atom power has changed everything except our way
  of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of
  mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a
  watchmaker.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything
  new.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything
  that can be counted counts.''
-- Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton
%%
``In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one
  must, above all, be a sheep.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and
  Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is
  comprehensible.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by
  understanding.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is
  blind.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income
  tax.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``The only thing that interferes with my learning is my
  education.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``On the other hand, you have different fingers.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I have an answering machine in my car for my cellular phone. It
  says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm
  out."''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I once saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a
  second.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I once saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'.
  There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I
  hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a
  raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always
  room temperature.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
  of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
  circles.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
  earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
  is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
  say, 'I think I might have written that.'''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
  specific.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
  age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
  I'd be ninety.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
  reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If
  you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light,
  and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said,
  "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
  with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to
  Les.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a
  dollar bill to everybody on the list.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``You can't have everything. Where would you put it?''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
  the statues that are in all the other museums.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed
  limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK,
  I'm not going that far.'''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how
  much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
  Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
  Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut
  it out'.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I once made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for
  it to age.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``I spilled spot remover on my dog... now he's gone.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``No, you *can't* call 911 now. I'm downloading my mail.''
%%
If it's raining, a cute thing to tell a child is "God is crying."
If they ask why, another cute thing to say is, "Probably
something you did."
%%
``Never check for an error condition you don't know how to
  handle.''
-- Anonymous (Henry Spencer?)
%%
``(This feature enables rc to export functions using here
  documents into the environment; the author does not expect
  users to find this feature useful.)''
-- from the rc(1) man page
%%
``Sufficiently advanced political correctness is
  indistinguishable from sarcasm.''
-- Erik Naggum
%%
``Kernels should stay kernels.''
%%
``PATRIOTISM
  A great British writer once said that if he had to choose
  between betraying his country and betraying a friend he hoped
  he would have the decency to betray his country.''
-- The Hipcrime Vocab by Chad C. Mulligan
%%
``And with so many pages sprouting every day, there is a
  desperate striving for uniqueness, which has resulted in some
  of the stupidest uses of cutting edge technology ever seen.''
-- Ashley Dunn of the NY Times, writing about the World Wide Web.
%%
Oh, you're too kind. Cyberpunk is not merely a sewer; it is a
fetid bog, fen, and mire, a compost of urSchleim and cadaverine
-- a menace, in short, to the literary traveler, who might sink
into its foul-smelling depths and suffocate in its horrifying
slime.
-- Tom Maddox (Meant as a joke, but still funny.)
%%
A Sept 13 1987 Boston Globe story indicated polls show almost
half of Americans think the phrase 'From each according to his
ability, to each according to his need' comes from the US
Constitution.
-- Chomsky, "Necessary Illusions"
%%
``WWW is the MS-DOS of hypertext systems...''
-- Erik Naggum
%%
``The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers.''
-- Richard W. Hamming, 1962
%%
``There is a difference between eating a varied diet and chowing
  down on a cup of lard and sugar once a day. Programmers know
  this instinctively: they balance their daily menu among the
  four major food groups: caffeine, sugar, grease, and salt.''
-- From John Walker's "The Hacker's Diet" (
   http://www.fourmilab.ch/hackdiet/www/hackdiet.html )
%%
``I generally regard flipping through 'popular' publications on
  technical subjects in the same category as consulting the faqs
  for various newsgroups or reading most annotated
  bibliographies. Or perhaps in the same vein as pornography;
  nobody (well, nobody worth mentioning, anyway) seriously thinks
  that that's the way things actually work, but some can take
  consolation in it when the real thing is in abscence or is
  inconvienient.''
-- SubG
%%
``The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is constant, but nowadays
  the illiterates [sic] can read and write.''
-- Alberto Moravia
%%
``Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no
  better than we deserve.''
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Q: I think my PC is broken.
A: Really? How can you tell?
-- sig. of Volker Herminghaus-Shirai
%%
``Actually, Posix requires that leap seconds be ignored; see IEEE
  Std 1003.1b-1993 section 2.2.2.106 (page 22 lines 448-458).
  There is some excellent doublespeak attempting to justify this
  in the annexes; my favorite is "it is inappropriate to require
  that a time represented as seconds since the Epoch precisely
  represent the number of seconds between the referenced time and
  the Epoch" (section B.2.2.2 page 306 lines 620-622).''
-- Paul Eggert
%%
``Everybody raise your hand who thinks Usenet would benefit from
  a month or two in padded room.''
-- Michael Handler
%%
``You are caught in a maze of twisty little Sendmail rules, all
  obscure.''
-- "Sendmail: Theory and Practice", Avolio and Vixie
%%
``The complex-type shall be a simple-type.''
-- ISO 10206:1991 (Extended Pascal)
%%
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
%%
``I have to post. Buddha insists on a warm computer.''
-- Keith "Justified And Ancient" Cochran
%%
``No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical.''
-- Neils Bohr
%%
``If it can't be understood, it's not finished yet.''
-- Paul Herbig
%%
``In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Lower
  Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two
  miles. That is an average of a trifle over one mile and a third
  per year. Therefore, any calm person, who is not blind or
  idiotic, can see that in the Old Oölitic Silurian Period, just
  a million years ago next November, the Lower Mississippi River
  was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long,
  and stuck out over the Gulf of Mexico like a fishing-rod. And
  by the same token any person can see that seven hundred and
  forty-two years from now the Lower Mississippi will be only a
  mile and three-quarters long, and Cairo and New Orleans will
  have joined their streets together, and be plodding comfortably
  along under a single mayor and a mutual board of aldermen.
  There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
  wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling
  investment of fact.''
-- Mark Twain, "Life on the Mississippi", 1874 in Darrell Huff,
   "How to Lie with Statistics", 1954.
%%
"Tuez-les tous; Dieu reconnaîtra les siens."
(More literally, this is "Kill them all; God will recognize his
own.")
A writer of the time records that it was said by Amalric Arnaud,
during the siege of Béziers (1209 AD), addressing soldiers who
asked him how to tell the difference between the heretics and the
orthodox Catholics.
%%
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little
death that brings total oblivion. I will face my fear. I will
permit it to pass over me and through me and turn my inner eye to
follow its path. When the fear is gone, only I will remain.
-- The Litany Against Fear (Frank Herbert, -Dune-, 1965)
I must not have fun. Fun is the time-killer. Fun is for
inferiors, servants and the help. I will ignore fun. I will work
through it. And when the fun is gone only I will remain -- I, and
my will to win. Damn, I'm good.
-- The Litany Against Fun (-Doon-, Harvard Lampoon)
%%
``[...] nothing banned in Singapore can be all bad.''
-- Cosma R. Shalizi, on The Economist
%%
``Today's solutions are tomorrow's problems.''
-- Bruce Sterling at the American Center for Design "Living
   Surfaces" Conference, San Francisco, October 1994
%%
``When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a
  thumb.''
-- Steve Haflich, in comp.lang.c++
%%
``No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats,
  approximately one billion Chinese could not care less.''
-- Lazlo's axiom of Chinese relativity
%%
``Words are cheap and vitriol flows like water down the
  crumbling, mossy mountainsides of prose. Megabytes of gibberish
  grind forth like glaciers from the keyboards of the thirty
  million guinea pigs participating in the largest clinical trial
  ever: the testing of a new reality completely devoid of common
  sense.''
-- Charlie Stross, commenting on the Usenet
%%
``An assertion is Zen only when it is itself an act and does not
  refer to anything that is asserted in it.''
-- from Bruce Lee's book, The Tao of Jeet Kune Do
%%
``In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.''
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Essays
%%
``The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as
  not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so
  paradoxical that no one will believe it.''
-- Bertrand Russell, The Philosophy of Logical Atomism
%%
``I remember hearing precisely analogous complaint from the Oral
  Traditionalists when the Book People were trying to get their
  toe in the door.''
-- Philomath
%%
``Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.''
-- Mae West
%%
Question. Which country has the greatest number of English
speakers?
Answer. China.
Fact. More people in the world can speak english than any other
language.
Problem. Nobody can understand most of them.
-- Julian Bond
%%
``Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be
  thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.''
-- Charlotte Whitton
%%
``How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx
  and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone
  who understands Marx and Lenin.''
-- Ronald Reagan, Arlington, Virginia, September 25, 1987
%%
``'All you need is love'? Yeah? Try payin' the fuckin' rent with
  it.''
-- Keith Richards
%%
``...in Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had
  warfare, terror, murder bloodshed but they produced
  Michelangelo, Leonardo Da Vinci and the Renaissance. In
  Switzerland, they had the brotherly love, they had five hundred
  years of democracy and peace. And what did they produce? The
  cuckoo-clock.''
-- Orson Wells to Joseph Cotton in the movie "the third man"
%%
``Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but
  incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an
  organization.''
-- Jon Bentley
%%
``Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of
  ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.''
-- Merle Kessler
%%
``Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big
  appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the
  other.''
-- Ronald Reagan (?)
%%
Calvin: You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have
to be in the right mood.
Hobbs: What mood is that?
Calvin: Last-minute panic.
%%
Life, n.: a sexually transmitted disease that is fatal.
%%
In closing, I'd like to repost my 3 axioms of Usenet. I
originally posted these in 1987 and 1988. In my opinion as a
semi-pro curmudgeon, I think they've aged well:
*Axiom #1:* "The Usenet is not the real world. The Usenet usually
does not even resemble the real world."
*Corollary #1:* "Attempts to change the real world by altering
the structure of the Usenet is an attempt to work sympathetic
magic -- electronic voodoo."
*Corollary #2:* "Arguing about the significance of newsgroup
names and their relation to the way people really think is
equivalent to arguing whether it is better to read tea leaves or
chicken entrails to divine the future."
*Axiom #2:* "Ability to type on a computer terminal is no
guarantee of sanity, intelligence, or common sense."
*Corollary #3:* "An infinite number of monkeys at an infinite
number of keyboards could produce something like Usenet."
*Corollary #4:* "They could do a better job of it."
*Axiom #3:* "Sturgeon's Law (90% of everything is crap) applies
to Usenet."
*Corollary #5:* "In an unmoderated newsgroup, no one can agree on
what constitutes the 10%."
*Corollary #6:* "Nothing guarantees that the 10% isn't crap,
too."
Which of course ties in to the recent (1992): "Usenet is like a
herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult
to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it."
-- Gene Spafford
%%
``If you evaluate C++, you still get C, but C gets bigger.''
-- Erik Naggum
%%
``Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.
  It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get
  straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and
  self-annihilation.''
-- Johnny Hart
%%
``Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time -- I
  think I've forgotten this before.''
-- Stephen Wright
%%
``I am sick unto death of obscure english towns that exist
  seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called
  limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of
  whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time
  dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.''
-- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
%%
When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in
business as we now think of it. They engaged in squatting around
in caves naked. This went on for, I would say, roughly two or
three million years, when all of a sudden a primitive person,
named Oog, came up with an idea.
 "Why not," he said, "pile thousands of humongous stones on top
of each other in the desert to form great big geometric shapes?"
Well, everybody thought this was an absolutely terrific idea. It
wasn't until several thousand years later that they realized they
had been suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course,
by that time, Oog was in the Bahamas.
-- Dave Barry on pyramid schemes
%%
``I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my
  Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying
  to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the
  highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked
  up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new
  cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The
  guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get
  into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really
  into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had
  our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got
  speeding tickets.''
-- Steven Wright
%%
``Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's
  an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you
  thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the
  mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS
  agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a
  sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put
  in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it
  to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his
  money.''
-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%%
``... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should
  be to get it over with as quickly as possible, because the
  longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have
  to listen to holiday songs on the mall public-address system,
  and many of these songs can damage children emotionally. For
  example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who befriends
  some children, plays with them until they learn to love him,
  then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a
  young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated
  as an outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old
  Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? Does he look past
  Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer
  he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh,
  as if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight
  with legs and a tail. So unless you want your children exposed
  to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop quickly.''
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%%
``If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em
  go, because, man, they're gone.''
-- Jack Handey
%%
``If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?''
-- Butt-head, on vegetarianism
%%
``Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person
  loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain
  self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must
  think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that
  Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking
  is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
  passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day
  even if they have plenty of food and water.''
-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%%
``I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.''
-- Florence Henderson
%%
``Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
  situations?''
-- Unknown
%%
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.

What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading
cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good
grammar, the United States would have lost World War II."
-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
%%
``Why do so many men name their penises? Because they don't want
  95% of their decisions made by a complete stranger!''
-- Simon LeBon, LoveLines, 14 Febuary 1992.
%%
``Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
  Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.''
-- Mike Adams
%%
``I was stinging under Raphael's (his professor of Philosophy)
  reproach that I was a lazy thinker and never criticized my
  thoughts, so I got busy and thought for five minutes. As a
  consequence, I have a thorough knowledge of the psychological
  foundations of the state and got an A in the quiz this
  morning.''
-- Philip Johnson, while studying at Harvard.
%%
``Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.''
-- Unknown
%%
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?
Everything he says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he
says will be right.
-- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
%%
``I wait for my girlfriend to break up with me. When that
  happens, I have creativity for miles.''
-- Songwriter Buddy Mondlock, on how he keeps his creative juices
   flowing.
%%
``Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled
  animals have orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms
  almost constantly, which is why they don't mind living in pools
  of warm slime.''
-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should
   Know"
%%
``That wasn't made as a reference to the fact that he talked too
  long.''
-- Peter Jennings, following the State of the Union Address.
%%
``Well I can't go back to Nashville Tennessee,
  'Cause that's a place I've never been.''
-- The Austin Lounge Lizards
%%
``Ski that way really fast...if anything gets in your way,
  TURN!''
-- Better Off Dead
%%
``Aye, 'tis not a man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine!''
-- The Cap'n, referring to Homer Simpson
%%
Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron,
gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection
of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%%
``Kids, don't try this at home!!! Go over to your neighbors house
  and practice!''
-- Jim Rose, of "Jim Rose's Circus" fame
%%
``If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can
  do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake
  up today, and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll
  be be expected to throw another party next year.
  What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guests
  wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find
  out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests
  to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they
  immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in
  advance, just to prevent you from having another one...
  If your party is successful, the police will knock on your
  door, unless your party is very successful in which case they
  will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host,
  your job is to make sure that they don't arrest anybody. Or if
  they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure
  it isn't you....''
-- Dave Barry
%%
To reduce risk of injury or death:
1. Do not read while bathing.
2. Do not place or store where book can fall or be pulled into
tub, toilet or sink.
3. If book falls into water, stop reading immediately. Do not
reach into water.
-- From the manual for Layer Express v2 (an AutoCAD extension),
   page 88.
%%
Under penalty of law
This page not to be removed
Except by consumer
-- From the manual for Layer Express v2 (an AutoCAD extension),
   page 70.
%%
``This page unintentionally left blank.''
-- The manual for Layer Express v2 (an AutoCAD extension), page
   44.
%%
Written on Page 12 (Blank page separating Ch. 1 & 2):
To reduce the risk of shock, Do not remove the cover of this
book. No serviceable components inside.
-- warnings from the manual for Layer Express v2 (an AutoCAD
   extension)
%%
``We will occasionally use this arrow notation unless there is
  danger of no confusion.''
-- Ronald Graham, "Rudiments of Ramsey Theory"
%%
``I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to
  see him and he asked for my autograph!''
-- Shirley Temple.
%%
``Next year is going to be a very important day for us!''
-- Chicago Mayor Daley
%%
``The notion that this is mostly about sex is nonsense. The vast
  majority of our customers have little or no interest in it.''
-- Steve Case, founder and chairman of AOL, Washington Post
   article 10/1/1996.
%%
``In earlier times, they had no statistics, and so they had to
  fall back on lies.''
-- Stephen Leacock
%%
``Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the
  leather straps.''
-- Emo Phillips
%%
``We have them just where they want us.''
-- J. T. Kirk
%%
Randomly heard at an english class:
Q: Do you like Kippling?
A: Err... well, to be honest, I have never Kippled.
%%
``Independence Day? I haven't gotten to see it yet. Maybe when
  the lines get shorter... The plot seems simple enough, though:
  Aliens arrive from space and destroy Washington. But later they
  turn out to be hostile.''
-- Steve Jackson (of Steve Jackson Games) 7/6/96
%%
``My uncle just turned 75. He never married, and someone asked
  him if it was because he had never found the perfect woman. 'I
  found her,' he said. 'But she was looking for the perfect
  man.'''
%%
``Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not
  just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers,
  another dash and another number.''
-- James Estes
%%
``Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is
  water! And East is East and West is West and if you take
  cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more
  like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what
  you know.''
-- Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
%%
``There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their
  home.''
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
   Equipment Corp., 1977
%%
``Folks are basically decent, conventional wisdom would say.
  Yet we read about the exceptions in the papers everyday.''
-- Neil Peart
%%
If you and your friend are being chased by a grizzly bear, don't
worry about out-running the bear. Just worry about out-running
your friend.
%%
If you can't beat your computer at chess... try kickboxing.
%%
``Thank God I'm an atheist.''
-- Luis Bunel
%%
``I'm not a vegetarian because I like animals. I'm a vegetarian
  because I hate plants.''
-- A. Whitney Brown
%%
The light at the end of the tunnel is coming from a sign saying
"You are here."
%%
``I want a GUI, but I want one that look like a multidimensional
  map, NOT a bunch of random pictograms that bear no contextual
  relationship whatsoever to one another..... in a well-ordered
  room, for example, the door is in an area which is -not-
  blocked for access, and the windows are on the walls, not on
  the floor, and pictures hang on the walls where there's light,
  not in corners in front of the sink with the water spraying all
  over them, and the refrigerator in in the kitchen, not in under
  the bathtub....''
-- Paula Lieberman
%%
``I leave you as I found you -- only some time later.''
-- John Lennon
%%
``I'm going into an unknown future, and where there's life
  there's hope.''
-- John Lennon, approx. 5 hours before he was killed
%%
``I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in
  fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in
  your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as
  real as the here and now? Reality leaves a lot to the
  imagination.''
-- John Lennon
%%
``Living is easy with your eyes closed...''
-- John Lennon
%%
``If The Beatles or the 60's had a message, it was 'Learn to
  swim.' And once you've learned - swim!''
-- John Lennon
%%
``If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set,
  then there'd be peace.''
-- John Lennon
%%
``Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your
  jewelry.''
-- John Lennon, 1963 (Royal Variety Performance)
%%
``Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other
  plans''
-- John Lennon (Beautiful Boy)
%%
What would it take to re-unite the Beatles?
Three more bullets.
(Yeah, this joke is obsolete.)
%%
What would you find if you dug up John Lennon?
Four slugs and a dead Beatle.
%%
What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

(Answer: Noel, Noel (no l, no l))
%%
What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? (Answer: Hoe,
hoe, hoe.)
%%
What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged
angel? It's a matter of a pinion.
%%
Money is the root of all evil. Send $20 for more information.
%%
If life only had a scroll-back buffer with cut & paste.
%%
Lifting shadows
off a Dream once broken
She can turn a drop of water
Into an ocean
And she listens openly
He pours his soul into the water
reflecting the mystery
She carries him away
and the winds die slowly
-- Dream Theater, "Lifting Shadows Off A Dream"
%%
Sin without deceivers
A God with no believers
I could sail by
on the Winds of Silence
and maybe they won't notice
-- Dream Theater, "The Silent Man"
%%
``Memory is necessary for all operations of reason.''
-- Blaise Pascal
%%
``There were chat rooms, and filter software for obscenity -- it
  censored out "Matsushita" because of the last four of the last
  letter. It censorsed out "Chardonnay" because it contained
  "hardon". I know this because I was -quite- put out at having
  the offending posts containing the "offensive" language
  bitbucketed by the stupid censor software, which was easily
  defeated by using alternate or missing vowels or other letters,
  adding or removing a letter, etc., even while it censored out
  "Matsushita" and "Chardonnay."''
-- Paula Lieberman
%%
Don't be hesitant. Digital electronics can smell fear.
%%
``Preserve ecology -- seal it in non biodegradable plastic.''
-- Bumper sticker
%%
``The problem with being in the middle of the road is that you
  tend to get run over.''
-- Aneurin Bevan
%%
Sevareid's Rule: "The chief cause of problems is solutions."
%%
``Those who can -- do. Those who cannot -- teach. Those who
  cannot teach become deans.''
-- Thomas L. Martin
%%
``Harvard is a storehouse of knowledge because the freshmen bring
  so much in and the graduates take so little out.''
-- Charles W. Eliot
%%
I used to be an Atheist, until I found out I was God.
%%
You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on
the way down.
%%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
%%
Q. What sound does a space turkey make?
A. hubble, hubble, hubble.
%%
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on
Thanksgiving," little Timothy wrote, "I am thankfull that I'm not
a turkey."
%%
Mother turkey to her disobedient children: If your father could
see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
%%
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
%%
Company policy on shooting oneself in the foot.
1. Place foot in mouth.
2. Insert head into anus.
3. Rest gun muzzle in navel.
4. Pull trigger.
%%
Insanity is hereditary -- you get it from your kids.
-- bumper sticker
%%
I intend to live for ever, or die in the attempt.
%%
- Why did the cube cross from the second to the third dimension?
- The second dimension was too square.
%%
``It is not your job to complete the work, But neither are you
  free to abstain from it.''
-- R. Tarfon, Pirkei Avot
%%
``Hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.''
-- Hoffer
%%
/*pi, tagline teaser by Linus Akesson*/ #include <stdio.h>
main(){float x=0,y,a=0,r=100,d=2*r;for(;x<d;x++)for(y=0;y<
d;y++)if((d*(r-x-y)+x*x+y*y)<=r*r)a++;printf("%f",a/r/r);}
%%
Today I introduced myself, To my own feelings,
In silent agony, after all these years,
They spoke to me... after all these years
-- Fragile Dreams, Anathema
%%
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have
never forgotten this.
%%
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
%%
Be careful when playing under the anvil tree.
%%
MS Windows: Sorry, where did you want to go again?
%%
``Perfection (in design) is achieved not when there is nothing
  more to add, but rather when there is nothing more to take
  away.''
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
%%
``Show me your [code] and conceal your [data structures], and I
  shall continue to be mystified. Show me your [data structures],
  and I won't usually need your [code]; it'll be obvious.''
-- Brooks, Chapter 9. Actually, he said "flowcharts" and
   "tables". But allowing for thirty years of
   terminological/cultural shift, it's almost the same point.
%%
One Disk to rule them all,
One Disk to Find them.
One Disk to hold the Files
and in the Darkness grind them.
%%
Biblical foundation of TANSTAAFL: 2nd Thessalonians 3:10 ("he who
does not work shall not eat")
%%
``I was told that the Chinese said that they would bury me by the
  Western lake and build a shrine to my memory. I have some
  slight regret that this did not happen, as I might have become
  a god, which would have been very _chic_ for an atheist.''
-- Bertrand Russell, Autobiography
%%
``An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.''
-- John Buchan, Lord Tweedmuir
%%
``I'm a born-again atheist.''
-- Gore Vidal
%%
``34% of those who voted Republican in the last election believe
  Forrest Gump is a documentary.''
-- TV Nation Poll
%%
``Beware of the panacea peddlers: just because you wind up naked
  doesn't make you an emperor.''
-- Michael A Padlipsky
%%
``MS-DOS is the worst text adventure game I have ever played:
  poor vocabulary, weak parser and a boring storyline.''
-- Ignatios Souvatzis
%%
``In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments -- there
  are consequences.''
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%%
``I blew up a capacitor in a printer once via software! Great
  example of the power of undefined behavior! :-)''
-- Wayne Berke
%%
``I just posted from babbage.museum.london.uk, and BOY ARE MY
  ARMS TIRED!!''
-- Rolf Wilson, in alt.folklore.computers
%%
``It is very difficult to compare an apple.''
-- Michael Feldman
%%
``Ist es eine Leitungsstörung? Ist es ein Coredump? Nein, es ist
  sendmail.cf.''
-- Kristian Köhntopp
%%
``Television has changed the American child from an irresistable
  force into an immovable object.''
-- Laurence J. Peter
%%
``The ultimate goal of mathematics is to eliminate all need for
  intelligent thought.''
-- Graham, Knuth and Patashnik, "Concrete Mathematics", (p. 56)
%%
The summation symbol looks like a distorted pacman.
-- Graham, Knuth and Patashnik, "Concrete Mathematics", (p. 23)
%%
``There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart
  death, there's brain death, and there's being off the
  network.''
-- Guy Almes
%%
``Homosexuality is god's way of insuring that the truly gifted
  aren't burdened with children.''
-- Sam Austin
%%
``Toilet paper is a soft ware. What percentage of it are you
  reusing?''
-- Len Cool, "A Bulwark Against Buzzwords"
%%
``Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as 'Lord of the Realm,
  Defender of the Faith, Emporer of Siberia' or 'Director of
  Corporate Planning'.''
-- The Official MBA Handbook on business cards
%%
``Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists
  elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to
  contact us.''
-- Calvin
%%
"Pathetic", he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
-- A. A. Milne, "Winnie - the Pooh" ch. 6
%%
``Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States.
  Ask any Indian.''
-- Robert Orben
%%
``Everything is easy as long as you are not the schmuck who has
  to implement it.''
-- Ronald F. Guilmette
%%
``Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts, perhaps the fear of a
  loss of power.''
-- John Steinbeck
%%
"Meow" <SPLAT!> "Woof" <SPLAT!>
Jeez, it's really raining today.
%%
``That's what I love about GUIs: They make simple tasks easier,
  and complex tasks impossible.''
-- John William Chambless
%%
``Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well
  done.''
-- Fred Friendly, former head of CBS News
%%
``[analogy with cicero deleted: analogies are like instant
  coffee]''
-- Peter da Silva
%%
``It is a damn poor mind indeed which can't think of at least two
  ways to spell any word.''
-- Jackson, Andrew (1767-1845)
%%
``Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?''
-- Harry Warner of Warner Brothers, 1925
%%
``Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.''
-- is often attributed to Freud, but noone can find it
%%
``Grammar is the logic of speech, even as logic is the grammar of
  reason.''
-- Richard Chevenix Trench (1807-86)
%%
BUM: Say, mister, can you spare a dollar?
CRACKERS: I can easily spare the sum you name, but it seems to me
that most beggars would customarily suggest a more modest amount,
such as a nickel.
BUM: I guess they would, at that; but I am ambitious, and mean to
rise in my chosen calling.
-- Horatio Alligator, "Admiral Boniface's Parrot" (in "American
   Pie")
%%
``It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to
  them.''
-- Alfred Adler
%%
``It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as
  reality.''
-- Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes")
%%
A man said to the universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe, "The fact has not created in me
a sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane
%%
``Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We
  know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink
  at the same time. Like all religions, the Faith of the
  Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both logic and faith. We
  have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are
  invisible because we can't see them.''
-- Steve Eley
%%
``The Air Force is reacting to the EPA ban on CFC's by replacing
  them in the cooling systems of the intercontinental (ballistic)
  missiles with 2 to 10 nuclear warheads on board. If they are
  ever fired, it will be an environmentally friendly nuclear
  holocaust, not threatening the Ozone layer.''
-- Access to Energy, July 1993
%%
``Anyone who attempts to generate random numbers by deterministic
  means is, of course, living in a state of sin.''
-- John von Neumann
%%
"90% of everything is crap"
-- T. Sturgeon
"111% of crap is everything"
-- L. Wall
%%
``Several recent languages have adopted an Intercal-like,
  asynchronous computed COME-FROM concept. Only they refer to it
  with funny terms like "exception handling".''
-- Hans Mulder
%%
Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 
Kirk:   Analysis, Mr. Spock?
Spock:  Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
Kirk:   Then it's of external origin?
Spock:  Affirmative.
Kirk:   Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.

Sulu:   Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.                                   
-- anonymous fortune
%%
``It's not *you* that is the problem, it's all the other people
  on the net.''
-- Peter da Silva
%%
``It seems to be impossible to parody PC. Any suggestion, no
  matter how outrageous, will be taken seriously by someone out
  there. I'm now convinced there must be people who use
  "vertically challenged" (short) and "metabolically challenged"
  (dead) with a straight face. Until people stop this madness,
  there's little hope of succeeding with sane proposals like
  avoiding "he" and "man" as gender-neutral terms.''
-- Keith Ivey <kcivey@cpcug.org> Washington, DC
   [alt.usage.english, Date: 13 Aug 1994 14:59:08 MET]
%%
``It had all the earmarks of a CIA operation; the bomb killed
  everybody in the room except the intended target.''
-- William F. Buckley
%%
haiku's inventor
must have had seven fingers
on his middle hand
%%
``Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it
  shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.''
-- Unknown
%%
Dilbert: "I created a computerized, interactive, multimedia
training tool for the department."
Boss: "Wonderful. Make some photocopies and route them around."
%%
``There isn't a word in the English language that can't be
  verbed.''
-- attributed to Alexander Haig
%%
``It's truly a shame that Knuth never really got into Lisp. His
  books would be _more_ readable, and TeX might actually have
  been a decent language.''
-- Henry Baker
%%
``I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't the
  guts to bite people themselves.''
-- August Strindberg
%%
``Chaos is but unperceived order.''
-- attributed to Fred Hoyle
%%
``This sort of reasoning is the long-delayed revenge of people
  who could not go to Woodstock because they had too much trig
  homework.''
-- Stewart A. Baker, Chief Counsel for the NSA, on crypto
   anarchy, Wired, June 1994
%%
``A Meltdown? One of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to think
  of it as an unrequested fission surplus.''
-- Montegue Burns (The Simpsons)
%%
Dykstra once pointed out the *real* problem with lisp: It's too
tempting to fiddle interactively until you've made a bad design
work in an ugly way, rather than use your brain.
%%
``I don't know why everyone thinks that The Last Action Hero was
  such a flop. We were Number One in Zaire''
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger (on Letterman 7/20/94)
%%
``Lisp has all the visual appeal of oatmeal with fingernail
  clippings mixed in.''
-- Larry Wall
%%
``Perl IS a psychological study.''
-- Larry Wall
%%
``Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't
  go away.''
-- Phillip K. Dick, 1928-1982
%%
``Faith means not _wanting_ to know the truth.''
-- Nietzsche
%%
``Faith is believing what you know ain't so.''
-- Mark Twain
%%
"In a riddle whose answer is chess, what is the only prohibited
word?"
I thought a moment and replied, "The word chess".
-- Jorge Luis Borges
%%
``Not so, just scared. Think of the poor lady who feared the
  metric system because she couldn't afford to have her gas tank
  removed from her car and replaced with one that holds liters
  instead of gallons.''
-- Kenneth S. Manning
%%
``I am amazed at the things people try to connect with "if"s and
  "then"s.''
-- Ken Arromdee (email: arromdee@jyusenkyou.cs.jhu.edu)
%%
``If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?''
-- Monty Python
%%
zellner@stsci.edu wrote:
: But my real fear is that the quality of reporting may be
equally
: bad in other domains, like politics!

It does take a perverse form of optimism to have any faith in the
news media when almost every time they cover something you _know_
about, they get it wrong.

Maybe they're wrong that often covering subjects in which I'm not
an expert? Naw, it just couldn't be.
-- Grant Edwards
%%
Was it Ritchie or Thompson who said about X: "Sometimes, when you
fill a vacuum, it still sucks"?
%%
``I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I
  buy something.''
-- Jackie Mason
%%
``Indeed, 'brute force' solutions are often characteristic of
  advanced cultures, not primitive ones. The Romans and their
  predecessors spent a long time figuring out how to build
  arches... and virtually all our buildings today use
  post-and-lintel construction, precisely what the arch was
  devised to replace. We have better materials and more money,
  and given that, arches are usually not worth the extra
  complexity.''
-- Henry Spencer
%%
``The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks
  don't.''
-- Douglas Adams
%%
``When in doubt, use brute force''
-- Ken Thompson
%%
``Some people say that EMACS belongs in <sys/errno.h>: Editor too
  big!''
-- Louis Larry
%%
``How do we persuade new users that spreading fonts across the
  page like peanut butter across hot toast is not necessarily the
  route to typographic excellence?''
-- Peter Flynn
%%
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of the pox!"
"That, my Lord, depends on whether I embrace your principles or
your mistress"
-- John Wilkes to The Earl of Sandwich, Parliament, November 1763
%%
``I'll need daily status reports on why you're so behind''
-- Diblert's boss
%%
``Buy a rifle, encrypt your data, and wait for the Revolution!''
-- .sig of Travis J.I. Corcoran (TJIC@icd.teradyne.com)
%%
``It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival
  value.''
-- attributed to Arthur C. Clarke
%%
``It's always easier to apologize than to ask permission.''
-- Grace Hopper
%%
``Verbing weirds language.''
-- Calvin (from "Calvin and Hobbes")
%%
``Many things do not happen as they ought. Most things do not
  happen at all. It is for the conscientious historian to correct
  these defects.''
-- Herodotus
%%
``Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at
  or near the earth's surface relatively to other matter; second,
  telling other people to do so. The first kind is unpleasant and
  ill-paid, the second is pleasant and highly paid.''
-- Bertrand Russell
%%
``Unix has been feverishly evolving for over 20 years, sort of
  like bacteria in a cesspool, only less attractive.''
-- Unix for Dummies
%%
``obviously those people needed a union or something''
-- hugh@netcom.com, about the harkonnen's employees'
   "heart-plugs" in the DUNE movie.
%%
``Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of
  bleeding he sings.''
-- Ed Gardner
%%
``We don't have a patent on irony and satire; those tools are
  available for you to use in your own work.''
-- Guerrilla Girls (a New York City performance group)
%%
``Ah, Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of
  intelligence!''
-- TimeBandits
%%
LOAD "vmunix",8,1
-- dack@este.darmstadt.gmd.de (Sven C. Dack)
%%
``Everyone complains about their memory, but no one complains
  about their intelligence.''
-- La Rochefoucault
%%
``The first question which you will ask and which I must try to
  answer is this, "What is the use of climbing Mount Everest?"
  and my answer must at once be, "It is no use." There is not the
  slightest prospect of any gain whatsoever. Oh, we may learn a
  little about the behavior of the human body at high altitudes,
  and possibly medical men may turn our observation to some
  account for the purposes of aviation. But otherwise nothing
  will come of it. We shall not bring back a single bit of gold
  or silver, not a gem, nor any coal or iron. We shall not find a
  single foot of earth that can be planted with crops to raise
  food. It's no use. So, if you cannot understand that there is
  something in man which responds to the challenge of this
  mountain and goes out to meet it, that the struggle is the
  struggle of life itself upward and forever upward, then you
  won't see why we go. What we get from this adventure is just
  sheer joy. And joy is, after all, the end of life. We do not
  live to eat and make money. We eat and make money to be able to
  enjoy life. That is what life means and what life is for.''
-- George Leigh Mallory, 1922
%%
``[another poster] cultivates an admirable elegance of expression
  that I'm sure will take him far on the Net. (To put it more
  precisely, his postings sound like my postings.)''
-- Bill Higgins, HIGGINS@FNAL.FNAL.GOV
%%
``Not at all tricky. We do this sort of stuff every day before
  breakfast. Then I fly to work on my winged pig, Swilma.''
-- David Chase, answering some compiler- or OS-related question.
%%
``Syntactic sugar leads to cancer of the semicolon.''
-- Alan Perlis
%%
``For I do not believe that the stars are spread over a spherical
  surface at equal distances from one center; I suppose their
  distances from us to vary so much that some are 2 or 3 times as
  remote as others.''
-- Galileo
%%
``The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should,
  therefore, be regarded as a criminal offence.''
-- E. W. Dijkstra, 18th June 1975.
%%
``I believe it was Heinlein who pointed out that science fiction
  is about things for which there is some scientific evidence,
  such as ghosts; while fantasy is about things for which there
  is no scientific evidence, such as faster than light travel.''
-- Dan Goodman dsg@maroon.tc.umn.edu
%%
``Tiger gotta hunt. Bird gotta fly.
  Man gotta sit and wonder why, why, why.
  Tiger gotta sleep. Bird gotta land.
  Man gotta tell himself he understand.''
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
%%
Definitions of "AI":
Military definition: Anything Invincible
Marketing definition: Anything Improved
Academic definition: Anything Impossible
-- .sig of David Bofinger
%%
``A sucker is born every minute.''
-- Phineas T. Barnum
%%
``C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.''
-- Dennis M. Ritchie.
%%
``B can be thought of as C without types; more accurately, it is
  BCPL squeezed into 8K bytes of memory and filtered through
  Thompson's brain.''
-- Dennis Ritchie
%%
There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger
of the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate,
double- digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt
airlines, and the 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for
such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic
crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures,
radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic
"bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital
computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one
got to tell the other how to run the telephone business?
-- anonymous fortune
%%
``The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and
  the intelligent are full of doubt.''
-- Bertrand Russell
%%
``Atilla The Hun's Maxim: If you're going to rape, pillage and
  burn, be sure to do things in that order.''
-- P. J. Plauger, Programming On Purpose, p147
%%
``Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
  time he will pick himself up and continue.''
-- Winston Churchill
%%
``An expert is a man who never makes small mistakes.''
-- Tom Phipps
%%
``...all life is only a set of pictures in the brain, among which
  there is no difference betwixt those born of real things and
  those born of inward dreamings, and no cause to value the one
  above the other.''
-- HPL, from "The Silver Key"
%%
``Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.''
-- Lily Tomlin
%%
``The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more
  expected ''
-- UNIX Prg Man, 2nd ed, June 1972
%%
Fowler contends that "a dozen sentences are spoilt by ill-advised
avoidance of repetition for every one that is spoilt by
ill-advised repetition."
%%
Reporter: Mr. Gandhi, what do you think about Western
Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
%%
``Now you can install your new kernel and try it out.''
-- SunOS 4.1.3, config(8)
%%
``You are, of course, correct, and I disagree completely.''
-- Michael F. Howard
%%
``The only person who believes a new theory is the theorist who
  invented it, while the only person who questions the results of
  an experiment is the person who performed it.''
-- J. A. Carr
%%
``To assert that the earth revolves around the sun is as
  erroneous as to claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin.''
-- Cardinal Bellarmine 1615, during the trial of Galileo
%%
"...it doesn't matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn't
matter how smart you are -- if it doesn't agree with experiment,
it's wrong."
-- R.P. Feynman
"It doesn't matter how beautiful your experiment is, it doesn't
matter how carefully you collect your data -- if it is based upon
a faulty understanding of what is being tested, it's most likely
useless."
-- L.D. Hosford :-)
%%
``Software is like Entropy: it's hard to grasp, weighs nothing
  and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e. it always
  increases''
-- Norman Augustine
%%
``He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already
  earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake,
  since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Do not use procedures; they are expensive.''
-- from IBM's PL/I (F) documentation, circa 1966
%%
Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
-- Macbeth, Act V
%%
``There are few situations in life that cannot be resolved
  promptly, and to the satisfaction of all concerned, by either
  suicide, a bag of gold, or thrusting a despised antagonist over
  a precipice on a dark night.''
-- Ernest Bramah (Kai Lung stories)
%%
"Even the AI hated [my book]?"
"The AI _loved_ it. That's when we knew for sure that _people_
were going to hate it."
-- Dan Simmons, "Hyperion"
%%
``Why can't life be menu driven or at least have an 'undo'
  feature?''
-- David M. DeFelice - NASA Lewis Research Center - Community
   Relations Office
%%
``A "quantum gravity expert" is presumably someone well
  acquainted with the details of our immense ignorance of the
  subject. I suppose I count.''
-- baez@guitar.ucr.edu (john baez)
%%
``[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules
  and no mercy.''
-- Joseph Campbell
%%
``Remember, high-tech means breaks down next week, while cutting
  edge means breaks down this afternoon.''
-- Bruce Sterling
%%
``Never express yourself more clearly than you think.''
-- N. Bohr
%%
We all live in a yellow subroutine.
%%
``Imagine if brick-and-mortar stores operated like most online
  retailers do. You'd walk through the front door and enter a
  large room with nothing in it but a big sign that read:
  `Welcome to Clothes-a-Rama! Please wait two minutes for the
  door leading to the merchandise to unlock.' Then a door would
  slide open to reveal another room with nothing in it but more
  doors, each with a sign that read: `This way to the Men's
  Department,' or `This way to the Women's.' By that time, you
  would have left. That's what happens online. People don't like
  waiting around for useless web pages full of blinking lights
  and theme songs to load [...]''
-- Playboy "Living Online" Nov 1999
%%
``The first million is the hardest.''
-- Cornelius Vanderbilt
%%
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big
as it needs to be.
%%
``As far as I know we never had an undetected error.''
%%
``We didn't send you to Washington to make intelligent decisions.
  We sent you to represent us.''
-- Kent York, Baptist minister to US Rep. Bill Sarpalius.
%%
``Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
  mistake when you make it again.''
-- F. P. Jones
%%
``Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
  it.''
-- Olivier
%%
``The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from
  or fight its enemies is lunch.''
-- Michael Friedman
%%
For a good Prime, call:
29819592777931214269172453467810429868925511217482600306406141434158089
%%
``Quick! Get me my colored pencils! I'm having a paradigm
  shift.''
-- Paul Callahan
%%
The Average Person's Axioms of First Order Predicate Logic:
* (A => B) => (B => A)
* Exists x A(x) => For all x A(x)
* (A => C) & (B => C) => (A => B)
-- Warren Vonroeschlaub
%%
``If you lie to the compiler, it will get its revenge.''
-- Henry Spencer
%%
``Features -- just say no!''
-- found in sig of: Andy Glew, glew@ichips.intel.com, Intel
   Corp., M/S JF1-19
%%
``Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
  and I'm not sure about the former.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
``Die Mathematiker sind eine Art Franzosen: Redet man zu ihnen,
  so uebersetzen sie es in ihre Sprache, und dann ist es alsobald
  ganz etwas anderes.''
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%%
``The fact that it works is immaterial.''
-- L. Ogborn
%%
``Life is too short to be taken seriously.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
``Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
``The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
``For every complex question, there is a simple answer -- and
  it's wrong.''
-- H.L. Mencken
%%
A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers
to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot
write in English.
%%
``First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a
  programming style. Then forget all that and just hack.''
-- George Carrette
%%
``As practiced by computer science, the study of programming is
  an unholy mixture of mathematics, literary criticism, and
  folklore.''
-- B. A. Sheil, 1981
%%
``The first time I encountered setjmp() was in an Amiga program
  ported from Unix. "Hmm, what's setjmp()?" I said, pulling up
  the man page. I read the man page. "*GASP* GLARGGGPPPHHTT!!!
  ARGHJKLKJ#@$!^&^U!" I exclaimed, and rolled my chair over
  backwards as I fainted.''
-- ogre@netcom.com
%%
Stroustroup writes in the ARM: "C programmers think that memory
allocation is too important to be left to the computer, Lisp
programmers think that memory allocation is too important to be
left to the programmer."
%%
``It is easier to change the specification to fit the program
  than vice versa.''
-- Unknown
%%
``As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise
  that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.
  Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact
  instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then
  on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own
  programs.''
-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
%%
``A successful tool is one that was used to do something
  undreamed of by its author.''
-- S. C. Johnson
%%
``Pointers are like jumps, leading wildly from one part of the
  data structure to another. Their introduction into high-level
  languages has been a step backwards from which we may never
  recover.''
-- C.A.R.Hoare "Hints on Programming Language Design" 1973
%%
``One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was
  that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful
  termination of their C programs.''
-- Robert Firth
%%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about
programming is not worth knowing.
%%
``There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in
  their home.''
-- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society Convention,
   1977
%%
``You are in a twisty little passage of standards, all
  conflicting.''
-- Michael Meissner, meissner@osf.org
%%
``A witty saying proves nothing.''
-- Voltaire
%%
2 monograms = 1 diagram
%%
3+1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
%%
10 rations = 1 decoration
%%
1 billion microphones = 1 megaphone
%%
- General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?
- Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power
brakes, and power door locks.
- Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
- How do I work it?
- Do you know how to drive?
- Do I know how to what?
- Do you know how to DRIVE?
- I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!
%%
- General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?
- I got in the car and closed the door, and nothing happened!
- Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?
- What's an ignition?
- It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns over the engine.
- Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all
of these technical terms just to use my car?
%%
What boots up must come down.
%%
Fax is stranger than fiction.
%%
The modem is the message.
%%
Home is where you hang your @.
%%
``This will end your windows session. Do you want to play another
  game?''
%%
Things the Movies Teach Us:
Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking
for, no matter how vague your keywords are.
(See "Mission Impossible", where Tom Cruise searches with
keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)
%%
Things the Movies Teach Us: If you display a file on the screen
and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen.
%%
Things the Movies Teach Us: You can bypass the "PERMISSION
DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See
"Demolition Man".)
%%
Things the Movies Teach Us:
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen
changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen
so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced
computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
%%
Things the Movies Teach Us: You can infect a computer with a
destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS".
%%
Things the Movies Teach Us: Command line interfaces will give you
access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS THE
SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
%%
SCSI: System Can't See It.
%%
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms.
%%
File not found, but if you hum a few bars...
%%
Why does Windows have to be rebooted for the smallest thing?
Microsoft gives the following explanation:
"The Windows codebase is so huge that we have no track of what
state the OS is in after it's been running for a while. Therefore
a reboot is needed to get Win in a known state to do
modifications."
%%
``What, behind the rabbit?''
-- King Arthur
%%
``Using Windows NT [...] on a warship is similar to hoping that
  luck will be in our favor.''
-- Anthony DiGiorgio, Atlantic Fleet Technical Service Center,
   after the USS Yorktown was disabled by a "divide-by-zero"
   error.
%%
``C combines all the power of assembly language with all the ease
  of use of assembly language.''
-- trad.
%%
I made a mental note and now I can't remember where I put it!
%%
And god said, "rm -rf /", and all was null and void.
%%
Windows doesn't just crash -- it opens a dialog box and lets you
press OK first, then crashes before you can.
%%
Fund = give money; amentalism = mindlessness.
%%
Grep... grep... grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its throat)
%%
Bigamy: One wife too many. Monogamy: Same idea.
%%
"Intel inside" is a government warning required by law.
%%
``I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying FLEE AT
  ONCE - ALL IS DISCOVERED. They all left town immediately.''
-- Mark Twain
%%
Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.
%%
Note: The light at the end of the tunnel is a dead end with a
mirror, reflecting the light you're carrying.
%%
Failing to plan is planning to fail.
%%
``Does YOUR computer have an 'Intel Inside' warning label?''
-- Lorens Johansson
%%
If you go through life with both feet planted firmly on the
ground, you'll never change your underwear.
%%
``If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some
  bad news and some good news. The bad news is: there is no key
  to the Universe. The good news is: it has been left unlocked.''
-- Swami Beyondananda
%%
``There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is
  toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it
  again.''
-- Swami Beyondananda
%%
Life is like photography. You develop the negative.
%%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
%%
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
%%
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
%%
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
%%
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened. Small stain.
%%
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
%%
``I love to go down to the playground and watch the children jump
  up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.''
-- Emo Philips
%%
``I much prefer travelling in non-British ships. There's none of
  that nonsense about women and children first.''
-- Somerset Maugham
%%
"I wish I could remember the name of that card game", said Tom
wistfully.
%%
``Bagpipes are the missing link between music and noise.''
-- E. K. Kruger
%%
Seen on a toilet wall: "HEISENBERG MAY HAVE BEEN HERE"
%%
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
%%
``In a world with no walls or fences, who needs Windows and
  Gates?''
-- Tony P. Parr
%%
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
consciousness.
%%
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
%%
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you're doing, someone else does.
%%
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an
Aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
%%
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
%%
# Make the SysAdmin warm and fuzzy
-- IRIX 5's /etc/rc2
%%
``It's supposed to be unhappy. It's unix.''
-- Ben Gross
%%
``If you have an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite
  number of Sparcs, they will eventually code Solaris.''
-- Dave Morgan
%%
``Sleep is a poor subsititue [sic] for caffeine.''
-- Pat Dughi
%%
``For the 8 months I've been there, I've added 12 lines of source
  code to Mosaic and 10 of them have been commented out.''
-- Jay Kreibich, about his NCSA job, 4/13/95.
%%
Dude, your home page is dull. Where is the high school graduation
picture? Where's the link to your best friend's girlfriend's home
page? Where's the list of the last 25 CD's you listened to?
-- Alan Braverman, on uiuc.test.
%%
``You can tell Joe's been using EMACS. There are EMACS
  droppings.''
-- Jill Smith, commenting on a bunch of files endings with
   tildes.
%%
``Repeat after me: 'Prioritized interrupts are braindamage'''
-- Linus Torvalds on the linux-680x0 mailing list.
%%
``It's everything about 0's and 1's... or much ado about nothing
  and its complement.''
-- Prof. Loui of Boolean Algebra
%%
``Look! They they did the About Box first!''
-- Jay Kreibich, commenting on the fact that the sign in front of
   the new Chilli's in Champaign was up far in advance of the
   building.
%%
``Yeah, yeah, yeah, I could get the word processor file, but it
  seemed like too much work''
-- Amy Ryan, after editing postscript for 45 minutes...
%%
``Mail? That's so asyncronous.''
-- Dan Simms
%%
``The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the
  pebbles to vote.''
-- Kosh (Babylon 5)
%%
``We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
  understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking
  lights!''
-- Unknown
%%
"Mr. Roark, we're alone here. Why don't you tell me what you
think of me? In any words you wish. No one will hear us."
"But I don't think of you."
-- Toohey & Roark, "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand
%%
``There are only two ways of dealing with women... and neither of
  them works.''
-- Jeff Thompson
%%
``[You] wouldn't know satire if it walked up to you on the street
  bare naked, bit your ass, and then proceeded to put on a
  rainbow colored afro wig and started jumping up and down
  singing 'The time to get a clue is now!'''
-- Joel Jones on satire
%%
``This patch fixes the Problem of Evil and the dangling-else
  ambiguity.''
-- Andrew C. Bulhak
%%
``Most people aren't aware of the fact that UNIX actually dates
  back to the Cthulhuvian epoch, and was widely used in R'lyeh.
  The R'lyehish word "fhtagn" is actually a technical term, and
  literally means "sleeps on an event". Thus, "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh
  Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" literally means "in his house
  at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits blocked on I/O".''
-- Andrew C. Bulhak
%%
``Wrong ID or fish slapped.''
-- one of Max's amazing error messages.
%%
``See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system
  like Linux, you have to be a sneaky bastard too ;-)''
-- Linus Torvalds
%%
``Yeah, but the config file... it's like the Necronomicon. You
  are warned away, but you go regardless, hoping to learn
  unearthly secrets. If your sanity survives, you spend the rest
  of your life conversing with daemons, running from shoggoths,
  and striking fear in to most mortals. I dont know whether it
  has driven me insane or revealed to me deep secrets about the
  universe.''
-- ErisE (Brandon Lease) on Sendmail 7/11/96
%%
``The first time, it's a KLUDGE! The second, a trick. Later, it's
  a well-established technique!''
-- Mike Broido, Intermetric
%%
Colvard's Logical Premises:
         All probabilities are 50%.
         Either a thing will happen or it won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
         This is especially true when dealing
         with someone you're attracted to.

Grelb's Commentary:
         Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%%
``Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly
  it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice
  weasels come.''
-- Matt Groening
%%
``If a tree is rendered in the forest and there's no light
  source, does it cast a shadow?''
-- Ancient SIGGRAPH Zen Riddle
%%
``Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it
  correct, not tried it.''
-- Donald Knuth
%%
``Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at
  least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can
  deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction
  which doesn't work.''
-- Unknown
%%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing
on the shoulders of giants.
-- Isaac Newton
In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by
side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
-- Gerald Holton
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were
standing on my shoulders.
-- Hal Abelson
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
-- Brian K. Reid
%%
``no.. a freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean
  your mother.''
-- Unknown, via KC Smith on IRC
%%
``I think the purpose of dating is to get warez.''
-- Geoff Raye on #uiuc
%%
``I can't union with the null set.''
-- Greg Kaiser, explaining why his social life mathematically
   sucks.
%%
``While any sensible person knows rationally that having a
  cheering section doesn't actually improve the abilities of
  artificial intelligence routines, we'd like to give in to the
  superstition that it actually can help.''
-- Geoff "g0ff" Raye, asking people to come cheer for his team in
   the MechManiaII programming contest
%%
``I don't think I ever use the same memory twice.''
-- Paul Bleisch, after being asked if he copied the URL passed to
   the load function.
%%
``We're almost semi-functional, once I finish this crashing
  bug.''
-- Brian Swetland
%%
``Wow! It built!''
-- Paul Bleisch
%%
``It's because the buf is not really a buf... it's just some
  random data...''
-- Michael Lee
%%
``My lady, I am a hero. It is a trade, no more, like weaving or
  brewing, and like them it has its own tricks and knacks and
  small arts. There are ways of perceiving witches, and of
  knowing poison streams; there are certain weak spots that all
  dragons have, and certain riddles that hooded strangers tend to
  set you. But the true secret of being a hero lies in knowing
  the order of things. The swineherd cannot already be wed to the
  princess when he embarks on his adventures, nor can the boy
  knock at the witch's door when she is away, on vaction. The
  wicked uncle cannot be found out and foiled before he does
  something wicked. Things must happen when it is time for them
  to happen. Quests may not simply be abandoned; prophecies may
  not be left to rot like unpicked fruit; unicorns may go
  unrescued for a long time, but not forever. The happy ending
  cannot come in the middle of the story.''
-- Prince Li'r, from "The Last Unicorn".
%%
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
%%
``I want to be a named pipe when I grow up.''
-- Geoff Raye
%%
1. When a distinguished, but elderly, scientist says that
something is possible he is almost certainly right. When he says
that it is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
2. The only way to determine the limits of the possible is by
going beyond them, into the impossible.
3. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic.
-- Clark's Laws
%%
``Why program by hand in five days what you can spend five years
  of your life automating.''
-- Terence Parr
%%
``One principle I generally live by in life is, `Don't lower the
  bass until you get nauseous'.''
-- Fred Jacobs
%%
A locked gun cabinet and a primaeval Macintosh desktop-publishing
system, green with age, attested to the owner's previous forays
into officially discouraged realms of behavior.
-- Dr. X's lab, from Stephenson's "Diamond Age".
%%
``Look. In twentieth-century Old Earth, a fast food chain took
  dead cow meat, fried it in grease, added carcinogens, wrapped
  it in petroleum-based foam, and sold nine hundred billion
  units. Human beings. Go figure.''
-- Tyrena Wingreen-Feif, a character in Dan Simmons' "Hyperion".
%%
"I think I'll use the earlier, less deficient NE2000 driver"
"Yeah, well, it's full of... features... now"
-- Brian Swetland and Doug Armstrong
%%
``Well that makes life a lot easier ... I can take her out of my
  home directory now.''
-- Ari, after breaking up with someone
%%
``How can you be depressed in a world where a man makes a living
  selling concrete wildlife?''
-- Matt Ruff, Fool on the Hill
%%
``I love typing NULL. It's like shouting at pointers and bossing
  them around. Nullify him.''
-- Sean O'Connor
%%
``Just because they taste like ass doesn't mean they're bad
  cigarettes.''
-- Matt Hellige
%%
``In my opinion, shareware tends to combine the worst of
  commercial software (no sources) with the worst of free
  software (no finishing touches). I simply do not believe in the
  shareware market at all.''
-- Linus Torvalds
%%
``You know, me asking you what your name is, is never going to be
  as fast as calling you Fuckhead''
-- Nathan Schrenk, explaining why static typing is more
   efficient.
%%
``Cool! We've gone to a version 2 of our protocol and we haven't
  released anything yet.''
-- Paul Watts on the SigOps DFP
%%
``This is tradition! This is our *culture*!''
-- Matt Hellige on the pronunciation of LaTeX
%%
``... here we have to go back through and flush any blocks that
  are still dirty. with an arched brow you astutely ask, "but how
  could this happen given the above loop?" Ahhh young grasshopper
  I say, the path through the cache is long and twisty and
  fraught with peril.''
-- Dominic Giampaolo, in a comment in bcache.c
%%
<mrw> groobot: don't crash.
*** Signoff: Groobot (EOF From client)
<mrw> he can't follow instructions yet.
-- Matt Williams, demonstrating some of the neater bits of
   software development.
%%
``I think I've given enough to society, society should get me a
  home theater system.''
-- Jeff Thompson
%%
``We have enough people here who know about UNIX and enough
  people who play Quake that we can make sys-admins out of
  parts.''
-- Ficus, about Be's lack of a fulltime sysadmin.
%%
``I officially redefine "free" as meaning "provided with
  ketchup". Any other usage with me is misleading. Is that burger
  free?''
-- puge@pobox.com on gnu.misc.discuss
%%
``All that really mattered was the user experience of the
  software. It didn't really matter what was in the box, or who
  it was from, because it was dark in the box and that was
  that.''
-- Joe Palmer (Designer of the BeBox), in "It's Dark in the Box".
%%
``A program without a "main" is like a fish without a bicycle.''
-- Jon Watte, being helpful on the bedevtalk list.
%%
``You're right, it needs bubble help to warn them. 'Warning, the
  time 2:30am occurs during the witching hour, and will be
  unavailable once a year. Blame the cows.'''
-- Brandon Long, discussing the limitations of cron.
%%
``Cheery didn't bother to answer. There was no use denying it.
  Somehow, people could tell if you were a dwarf just by looking
  at you.''
-- Terry Pratchett: Feet of clay.
%%
I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
%%
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
%%
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
%%
Gravity... It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
%%
Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.
%%
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
%%
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
%%
``I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.''
%%
I suffer occasional delusions of adequacy.
%%
``There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a
  million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works
  of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we
  know this is not true.''
%%
Unix, BASIC, C, PASCAL, APL, ADA, and PROFANITY spoken here.
%%
A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.
%%
``The further you are from your server, the more likely it is to
  crash.''
-- Woodhead's Law
%%
``Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very
  good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.''
-- Dick Brandon
%%
``Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea;
  massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining,
  and a source of mind boggling amounts of excrement when you
  least expect it.''
-- Gene Spafford, 1992
%%
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
%%
Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says "Click...", wait
for the rest of the sentence.
%%
Of course my password is the same as my pet's name. My macaw's
name was Q47pY!3, but I change it every 90 days.
%%
Intel: We put the "um..." in Pentium.
%%
``Programming today is a race between software engineers striving
  to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the
  Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far,
  the Universe is winning.''
-- Rich Cook
%%
``Hey! It compiles! Ship it!''
%%
Life's unfair - but root password helps!
%%
To know recursion, you must first know recursion.
%%
Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman
numerals.
%%
Standards are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.
%%
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
%%
Epigram: Ada is the 400-pound gorilla of programming languages.
%%
``I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and
  easier to use than eating soup with a knife.''
-- Unknown
%%
I feel like a genocidal maniac when emacs asks me if I want to
kill 10789 characters.
%%
665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast.
%%
Microsoft Windows: Computing While U Wait.
%%
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem
cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
%%
Wishing life had an UNDO function...
%%
Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.
%%
Computer Science: Solving today's problems tomorrow.
%%
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's
released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
%%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you
will find at least two human errors, including the error of
blaming it on the computer.
%%
``Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.''
-- Brooks' law
%%
A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
%%
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.
%%
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed
paper tray and the blinking red light.
%%
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
%%
Your mouse has moved.
Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect.
Reboot now? [ OK ]
%%
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
%%
To die. In the rain.
%%
If God didn't want people to steal office supplies, he wouldn't
have given us briefcases, purses, and pockets. In fact, no major
religion specifically bans the pilfering of office supplies.
-- Scott Adams, in The Dilbert Principle
%%
Money talks - mine says "Goodbye".
%%
``God is the only being who doesn't need to exist to rule.''
-- Charles Baudeleire
%%
``Why be politically correct if you can be right?''
-- Erik V. Petersen
%%
``Many of us wear the scars of life as badges.''
-- Erik V. Petersen
%%
``Silence is argument carried out by other means.''
-- Ernesto "Che" Guevara
%%
``The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
TOWER: "Say position."
PILOT: "Position."
%%
I can't walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol.
%%
Two rules for success: 1. Don't tell everything you know.
%%
"Bother," said Pooh, as he wandered into the meat slicer.
%%
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. "No" is
the answer!
%%
``One Galileo in two thousand years is enough.''
-- Pius XII
%%
``Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream
  things that never were and ask why not.''
-- George Bernard Shaw
%%
Speed Kills - Use Windows!
%%
Life is a bitch, but some of the puppies are cute.
%%
``At least, that's what the wizards in the High Energy Magic
  building say. And they've got proper pointy hats and letters
  after their name, so they know what they're talking about.''
-- Terry Pratchett: Men at arms.
%%
The Archchancellor had also given him a long drink of something
he said was a marvellous remedy, although he'd been unspecific as
to what it cured. Verticality, apparently.
-- Terry Pratchett: Men at arms
%%
``Cease, in the name of everything that doesn't suck!''
-- Butthead
%%
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
%%
Think twice before you think.
%%
Dragons - the ORIGINAL flying toasters!
%%
Luxuriantly hand-crafted of only the finest ASCII.
%%
``                           ''
-- Marcel Marceau
%%
This is not a paradox.
%%
No raindrop considers itself responsible for the flood.
%%
Taglines are a waste of time. Take this one, for example - it
makes no sense at all.
%%
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
%%
``Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.''
-- Wilson Mizner
%%
``I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is
  no pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in a
  geriatric ward.''
-- John Mortimer
%%
What is a revolution but a dynamic vector that returns to the
place it started from?
%%
Mean people suck.
%%
May your screen live long and phosphor.
%%
``Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing
  is the first.''
-- Andreas Mixich
%%
According to the most recent surveys, five people out of ten are
half.
%%
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
%%
Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes.
%%
I think I think, therefore I think. (I think...)
%%
I'd love to, but I'm building a pig from a kit.
%%
``Work to become, not to acquire.''
-- Confucius
%%
``Good morning, doctors. I have taken the liberty of removing
  Windows 95 from my hard drive.''
-- HAL's first words contest winner, judged by Arthur C. Clarke.
%%
``Well, let's just say, 'if your VCR is still blinking 12:00, you
  don't want Linux'''
-- Bruce Perens
%%
``It was shaped like a pair of artificial breasts, the sort that
  are highly amusing to rugby players and anyone whose sense of
  humor has been surgically removed.''
-- Terry Pratchett: Men at arms.
%%
Maths and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.
%%
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to
learn from them.
%%
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching
TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
%%
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
%%
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
%%
I am at one with my duality.
%%
How many Zen Masters does it take a light bulb to change?
%%
Use the Fork at the dinner table, Luke. Not the Force.
%%
To iterate is human -- to recurse is divine.
%%
I am Bill Gates of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be
assimil- Error - General protection fault in module "BORG.EXE"
%%
Geneology: chasing your own tale.
%%
``On the road of life, there are drivers & passengers...''
%%
``Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the
  richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.''
-- Robert Orben
%%
Mistakes/misspellings are fictional: any similarities to real
ones are incidental.
%%
Save the whales. Feed the hungry. Free the mallocs.
%%
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
%%
The three "R"s of Microsoft support: Retry, Reboot, Reinstall.
%%
``I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
  helmets.''
-- Dave Edison
%%
``Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.''
-- Paul Rodriguez
%%
``A lawyer will do anything to win a case. Sometimes, he will
  even tell the truth.''
-- Patrick Murray
%%
Call me if you need my phone number!
%%
If at first you don't succeed, DON'T SKYDIVE.
%%
Only dead fish go with the flow.
%%
Windows NT = Windows Nice Try.
%%
``Sham Harga's coffee was like molten lead, but it had this in
  its favour: when you'd drunk it, there was this overwhelming
  feeling of relief that you'd got to the bottom of the cup.''
-- Terry Pratchett: Men at arms.
%%
My opinions are my own, but sign the right NDAs, pay those
royalties on time and in cash, and they may be yours, too.
%%
Laboratory experiments have shown that 100% of rats died.
%%
A steak every day keeps the cows dead.
%%
``Quote me as saying I was misquoted.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog,
  it's too dark to read.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is
  water! And east is east and west is west and if you take
  cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more
  like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what
  you know.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his
  wife.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Time wounds all heels.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Women should be obscene and not heard.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as
  members.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``I must confess, I was born at a very early age.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he
  was glad to get rid of it.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
  exception.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let
  that fool you. He really is an idiot.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have
  others.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Room service? Send up a larger room.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.''
-- Groucho Marx
%%
``You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.''
-- Thoreau
%%
``Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it
  is time to reform.''
-- Mark Twain
%%
``I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his
  ability.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
``Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age
  eighteen.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #29:
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make
a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Recieved, #28:
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the
neck and shake him in rhythm.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #27:
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play
people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #26:
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #25:
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time
gets to be the conductor.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #24:
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #23:
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every
line of flute music. You just watch.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #22:
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits
in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a
person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how
to play a violin real good.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Recieved, #21:
Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Recieved, #20:
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #19:
Question: What are kettle drums called?
Answer: Kettle drums.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #18:
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making
sounds. So would anybody.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Recieved, #17:
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and
bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #16:
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just
stick with the first name and learn it good.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #15:
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more
cellos.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #14:
A tuba is much larger than its name.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #13:
A harp is a nude piano.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #12:
My favorite composer is Opus.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #11:
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long
ago.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #10:
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #9:
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #8:
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any
passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from
hurting.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #7:
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one
he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they
all live happily ever after.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Recieved, #6:
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers.
It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live
until they are dead.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Recieved, #5:
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard
of.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #4:
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #3:
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was
rather large.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Recieved, #2:
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
%%
Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Recieved, #1:
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you
better not try to sing.
%%
A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
%%
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
%%
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every
file.
%%
Seek professional help.
%%
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.
%%
Coders, the only men in the world who brag their's is smaller and
faster.
%%
IE5, puts the pain back into browsing.
%%
"Bother," said Pooh, as he walked through the security beam.
%%
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
%%
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include an annual free
trip around the sun.
%%
``Whenever I have to choose between two evils, I always like to
  try the one I haven't tried before.''
-- Mae West.
%%
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
%%
668: The Neighbor of the Beast.
%%
43% of all statistics are worthless.
%%
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
%%
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if
you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
%%
If Speed Kills, Then Windows(tm) Users May Live Forever!
%%
``She Woudn't Let Me Kiss Her in the Canoe So I Had to Paddle Her
  Back.''
%%
Driving People Insane:
20. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can't attend
their party because you're not in the mood.
%%
Driving People Insane:
19. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
%%
Driving People Insane:
18. Ask people what sex they are.
%%
Driving People Insane:
17. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
%%
Driving People Insane:
16. Dont use any punctuation
%%
Driving People Insane:
15. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the
prophecy."
%%
Driving People Insane:
14. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what you think"
%%
Driving People Insane:
13. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for Bribes and
Favors"
%%
Driving People Insane:
12. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
%%
Driving People Insane:
11. Send e-mail message that advertise free pizza, doughnuts,
etc, in the breakroom. When people complain that there was
nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got
to be faster than that."
%%
Driving People Insane:
10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers
%%
Driving People Insane:
9. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN"
%%
Driving People Insane:
8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.
%%
Driving People Insane:
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.
%%
Driving People Insane:
6. Insist that your e-mail address be
xena-goddess-of-fire@GHC.com
%%
Driving People Insane:
5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
%%
Driving People Insane:
4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what
you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
bathroom.
%%
Driving People Insane:
3. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
%%
Driving People Insane:
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
%%
Driving People Insane:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer
at passing cars, to see if they slow down.
%%
The Lords Prayer Has 56 Words The Ten Commandments Has 297 The
American Declaration Of Independance Has 300 Yet an EEC Directive
on the import of caramel and caramel products required 26,911
words.
%%
*A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling*
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no
longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would
be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with
later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and
"one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well
abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j"
anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears
6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist
konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik
ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a
memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh",
and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev
a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
-- Mark Twain
%%
/ is the root of all UNIX.
%%
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what
you're up to.
%%
Incidentally, it has come to my attention that certain
subversives are spreading rumours of the existence of a number
between 6 and 8. Needless to say, they are extremely dangerous
and should not be approached under any circumstances. Be
especially careful with people asking questions such as "What is
half of fourteen?" when we all know that fourteen is an odd
number.
%%
No man is an island, but then, no man is a potato salad, either.
%%
``I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door
  collecting for static cling.''
%%
This you understand can if FORTH programmer you be can then.
%%
``All science is either physics or stamp collecting.''
-- E. Rutherford
%%
``Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge,
  what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have
  been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest
  piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our
  ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not
  disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore
  permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a
  door-nail.''
-- Charles Dickens
%%
Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
organism will do as it damn well pleases.
%%
``I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me
  to stay tuned.''
%%
``It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.''
-- Phil White
%%
On a scale of 1 to 4, what are your feelings about the colour
green?
%%
Eek!
%%
``If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a
  nail.''
-- Maslow
%%
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.
-- Gallagher
%%
Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a
constant; the population is growing.
%%
``I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that
  end in Y.''
%%
Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.
Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the
reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an
exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of
non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of
this article.)
%%
I'm not as think as you drunk I am!
%%
Give a man an inch and right away he thinks he's a ruler.
%%
``I like Wagner's music better than anybody's. It is so loud that
  one can talk the whole time without people hearing what one
  says.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
Reality? I'll only go as a tourist!
%%
In the movies, rich people are unhappy.
%%
``I find that very disturbing.''
-- Calvin
%%
In the movies, cars will explode in all accidents.
%%
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
%%
``Microsoft supports industry standards the same way a rope
  supports a hanged man.''
%%
Evil is just live, spelt backwards.
%%
recursion, n.: see recursion.
%%
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless
bathroom.
%%
He who laughs last is at 300 baud.
%%
He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
%%
I no wanna work, I wanna bang on keyboard all day.
%%
``One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing,
  and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time.''
-- Gioacchino Rossini
%%
``Parsifal -- the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and
  after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and
  it says 6:20.''
-- David Randolph
%%
When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his
concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait."
%%
``Harpists spend 90% of their lives tuning their harps and 10%
  playing out of tune.''
-- Igor Stravinsky
%%
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
%%
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
%%
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level
I'm really quite busy.
%%
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
%%
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.
%%
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
%%
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
%%
``I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.''
%%
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
%%
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
%%
``Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you will always
  find someone else to do it for you.''
-- Mark Twain
%%
W*&t?  I th^$k w& h@$= s$m# l&n$ n*&se.
%%
An agreeable person: One who agrees with you.
%%
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
%%
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with
bullets.
%%
Boldly going nowhere.
%%
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
butt.
%%
If you can read this, please flip me back over.
-- (seen upside down, on a Jeep)
%%
``Fight Crime: Shoot Back!''
%%
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife
fell off.
%%
The light at the end of the tunnel is a person with a lamp coming
towards you... looking for the end of the tunnel.
%%
Love is like an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties.
%%
Love, n.: a situation which happens when you think almost as much
of another as you do of yourself.
%%
The only thing that has changed over the millions of years of
playing the game of love is that trumps have changed from clubs
to diamonds.
%%
``I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the
  time to make it shorter.''
-- Blaise Pascal
%%
I plead contemporary insanity.
%%
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
%%
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
%%
Adults are just kids who owe money.
%%
Better living through denial.
%%
Allow me to introduce my selves.
%%
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
%%
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
%%
A hacker doesn't die, his TTL expires.
%%
``Dave. Put down those Windows disks. Dave. DAVE!''
%%
``The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
  appreciate it.''
-- Franklin P. Jones
%%
``You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther
  with a smile and a gun.''
-- Al Capone
%%
``I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they
  fly by.''
-- Douglas Adams
%%
"Bother", said Pooh, as Windows swapped out again.
%%
You know you're getting old when you stop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
%%
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
%%
If you were right I'd agree.
%%
``Work is the curse of the drinking class.''
-- Oscar Wilde
%%
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
%%
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
%%
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
%%
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
%%
A fool and his money are soon partying.
%%
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
%%
Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
%%
I doubt, therefore I might be.
%%
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
%%
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say
it.
%%
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other
people.
%%
Democracy is the counting of heads, regardless of the contents.
%%
And of course it goes without saying that
%%
``Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or
  their children. I would prefer to achieve it by not dying.''
-- Woody Allen
%%
``Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a
  misprint.''
-- Mark Twain
%%
``Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not
  simpler.''
-- Albert Einstein
%%
Deliver a pizza? Whoever heard of a liver pizza?
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 14:
- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 13:
- Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have recieved, part 12:
- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 11:
- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend
her funeral.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 10:
- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 9:
- Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 8:
- Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
and his boots leak.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 7:
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 6:
- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have recieved, part 5:
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He
was hurt in the growing part.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 4:
- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 3:
- Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
30, 31, 32, and also 33.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 2:
- Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.
%%
Actual excuse notes teachers have received, part 1:
- My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
%%
Windows is a colorful clown suit for DOS.
%%
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
%%
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
%%
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
%%
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
%%
Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal
point was invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to think
big.
%%
User-friendly: (adj.) trivialized, slow, incapable, and boring.
%%
COBOL: (n.) an old computer language, designed to be read and not
run. Unfortunately, it is often run anyway.
%%
Over 72% believe in statistical claims with no given source.
%%
Sometimes you just gotta say "What the fuck!"
%%
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
%%
``It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you
  mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It
  isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise
  yours and theirs.''
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
%%
It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
%%
This is a tagline mirror --> | <-- rorrim enilgat a si sihT
%%
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly
simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment
to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple
procedure:
 1) Hold down the shift key.
 2) Hit the 4 key four times.
%%
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
%%
A big enough hammer fixes anything.
%%
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.
%%
Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective with who it's
friends are.
%%
``Hey, dad, remember our car?''
-- Calvin
%%
``It might be just possible, by lying very still in a cellar
  somewhere, to get through a day without committing a crime. But
  only just. And, even then, you were probably guilty of
  loitering.''
-- Terry Pratchett: Feet of clay.
%%
``Common sense is not so common.''
-- Voltaire
%%
The Borg assimilated my race, and all I got was this lousy
tagline.
%%
``The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.''
-- W. C. Fields
%%
If your feet smell and your nose runs -- you're built upside
down.
%%
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside
the earth.
%%
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
%%
Chaos, panic & disorder... my work here is done.
%%
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
%%
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
%%
Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?
%%
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
%%
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
%%
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble gum is cheap! You choose.
%%
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
%%
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
%%
Earth is full. Go home.
%%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge
block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look
like an elephant.
%%
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission
errors.
%%
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
%%
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
%%
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
%%
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
%%
America has no drug problems, there's plenty for everyone.
%%
``We aim to please, you aim too please''
-- sign on a bathroom door
%%
Heard the one about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his
soul to Santa.
%%
6 * 9 = 42. In base 13.
%%
No beer, wine, or liquor will ever touch my lips... I use a
straw.
%%
Bet you can't stop reading here <--- I knew it...
%%
``The most important question when any new computer architecture
  is introduced is `So what?'''
-- someone in comp.arch
%%
Fractals -- what you see is what you wait for.
%%
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
%%
Mistakes? I don't make misakes!
%%
Hi. You have just entered the fourth dimension. Small isn't it?
%%
Ignore any lines above this one - we are having problems with our
mailer.
%%
Without C people would code in Basi, Pasal and Obol.
%%
Hello, I'm not a .sig virus. Why don't you copy me into your own
.sig?
%%
Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured
programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.
-- Ray Simard
%%
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary
%%
``Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into
  an open sewer and die.''
-- Mel Brooks
%%
Puns are bad, but poetry is verse.
%%
Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry
-- An error message printed by DEC's RSTS operating system for
   the PDP-11
%%
AMAZING BUT TRUE:
There is so much sand in Northern Africa, that if we spread it
out, it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
%%
Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.
%%
Life is wonderful. Without it, you wouldn't know me.
%%
``Why are manhole covers round? How many gas stations are there
  in the US?''
-- Interview questions asked by Microsoft, 1992
%%
``I like Boolean logic. NOT.''
%%
If it works, rip it apart and find out why.
%%
This tagline will re-format hard drive in 15 seconds.
%%
If it wasn't so cool out today, it would be warmer.
%%
0405 Do you know any people?
0406 ... more than one?
0407 ... more than two?
-- from THE HACKER TEST
%%
Pentium instruction of the day: RJE: Return Jump and Explode
%%
Pentium instruction of the day: MSP: Mistake Sign for Parity
%%
``If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the
  freight.''
-- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much
   memory
%%
``God is real, unless specifically declared integer.''
-- Tavares Yamanashi
%%
Windows doesn't just crash - it opens a dialog box and lets you
press OK first.
%%
Fon f le corrup . Press " " to reforma HD or " " to res ore from
backup
%%
In the beginning, the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely
regarded as a bad move.
-- The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%%
The relative speed of a computer, regardless of CPU architecture,
varies indirectly as the number of micro$oft products installed.
%%
I tñld yoñ, "Neverñtouch ñhe flopñy disk sñrface!"
%%
Live long and prosper... But don't let the IRS know.
%%
Too many errors on one line (make fewer)
-- Apple's MPW C compiler Error Message.
%%
The worst thing about censorship is .
%%
``The only thing that stops god from sending another flood is
  that the first one was useless.''
-- Chamfort
%%
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
%%
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
%%
Tomorrow is another day, but it'll suck too...
%%
A tidy desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
%%
``Actually, I'm sitting on my butt staring at a computer
  screen.''
-- Tom Tomorrow
%%
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
%%
Pentium instruction of the day: BTW = Branch on Third Wednesday
%%
"One World, One Web, One Program"
Microsoft Promotional Ad
"Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Führer"
Adolf Hitler
%%
What do you get if you cross an agnostic, an insomniac and a
dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a
dog.
%%
My christmas cards this year were all environmentally correct,
they were made from recycled christmas trees.
%%
Windows 95: 32 bit extension and a graphical shell for a 16 bit
patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit
microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit
of competition.
%%
Programming, n: A pastime similar to banging one's head against a
wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
%%
Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
%%
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
%%
Life's a beach, then you dive.
%%
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
%%
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
%%
The next war will determine not what is right, but what is left.
%%
``The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
  constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at
  every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with
  a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the
  constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should
  the value of pi change.''
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers
%%
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
%%
If anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
%%
Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a
computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is
in control.
%%
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.
It has an 800 MHz processor, 512 megabytes of RAM, 1500 gigabytes
of disk storage, a screen resolution of 2048 x 2048 pixels,
relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your
shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first question that the
computer community asks?

"Is it PC compatible?"
%%
Lewis' Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute
doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
%%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you
find there is nothing in it.
%%
The C Programmer: Most commonly seen waving a piece of paper
around saying "I bet you can't guess what this does".
The Lisp Programmer: 43,42,41,40,39,38... Where's that missing
bracket...
The ADA Programmer: Found in a corner reading the manual to
decide if it is legal to add two integers.
%%
Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks they can
train Americans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them
fish.
%%
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
%%
Programmer, n.: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing
with inanimate objects.
%%
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
%%
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
%%
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
%%
``Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.''
%%
``640K ought to be enough for anybody.''
-- Bill Gates, 1981
%%
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
%%
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
%%
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
%%
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
%%
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
%%
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
%%
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
%%
Backups? We don't *NEED* no steenking backups.
%%
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
%%
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
%%
``My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.''
%%
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
%%
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
%%
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.
%%
Dain bramaged.
%%
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
%%
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
%%
``I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...''
%%
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
%%
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
%%
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those
who can't.
%%
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and
dead.
%%
We are the Knights who say: MOVE.L  USP,A1
%%
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
%%
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
%%
If it works, don't fix it.
%%
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
%%
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
%%
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you're stupid; Open it
and you'll remove all doubt.
%%
Constants aren't; Variables don't.
%%
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?