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<h1>← BLOG Home / Sex & Intimacy</h1>
<p>Demisexuality: The Gray Area of Asexuality</p>
</div>
<div class="imagetext2">
<ul>
<li>6 MIN READ</li>
<li>PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER 17, 2022 IN SEX & INTIMACY</li>
<li>BY PARKER SEALY</li>
</ul>
</div>
</div>
<div class="paras">
<p class="para1">
While the idea of a sexuality spectrum is becoming more accepted,
many of us may have grown up understanding sexuality as more black
and white.
</p>
<p class="para2">
When you hit puberty, you start becoming more aware of your
sexuality and begin to develop sexual feelings and a desire to
experiment with them.
</p>
<hr />
<p class="para3">
That`s just how it is—at least for those who can easily define their
sexuality.
</p>
<p class="para4">
But as we become a more accepting society, people are beginning to
realize that sexuality is fluid and exists on a spectrum, not in
neatly labeled boxes.
</p>
<p class="para5">
One spectrum, known as the asexuality spectrum, runs from
non-asexual to asexual and allows us to view the shades of gray in
between. Somewhere in the middle, there is demisexuality. This is
where I fall, and it wasn’t until my early twenties that I
understood I was not abnormal.
</p>
<p class="para6">What is demisexuality?</p>
<p class="para7">
When I was in middle school, I had my fair share of crushes on boys.
The difference between my experience and those of my friends is
that, if you asked me if I wanted to kiss them, I would probably
have said no. What made me crush on them then? I found them
attractive but I also just really liked their personality. Maybe I
was unsure of exactly what my feelings were, as is the case with
most middle schoolers. Looking back, I still am a little unsure of
what made me say I had a crush on one boy over another. Labels,
while not important, sometimes help to define what you’re
experiencing. For me, it was when I was in my early twenties when I
learned there was a term for how I felt: demisexuality.
</p>
<p class="para8">
Demisexuality is described as “a sexual orientation defined by a
lack of sexual attraction towards other people unless there is an
existing emotional and romantic connection. The occurrence of sexual
desire is dependent on the closeness of the relationship, as opposed
to an initial attraction.”
</p>
<p class="para9">
The key to moving into that deeper, sexual attraction is becoming
friends first. I have never had a sexual attraction to someone whom
I did not first consider a friend. Friendship provides a base that
leads to trust, which, for some demisexuals, can eventually lead to
romance and sexual attraction.
</p>
<p class="para10">
Some that define themselves as demisexual feel no sexual attraction
at all. Others do feel sexual attraction, but only after they have
made an emotional connection. “Many demisexuals are only attracted
to a handful of people in their lifetime,” according to
Demisexuality.org, which is where I learned that, in my case, it
takes a long time to develop that connection.
</p>
<p class="para11">Sexuality`s gray area.</p>
<p class="para12">
I`ve never been comfortable defining myself as demisexual to other
people. I think it may be partially because the definition is such a
gray area. Constantly I am questioning if I am actually demisexual
or if I am just looking to define myself as something different
because I am so picky when it comes to dating. Just as I was
starting to think that I was just a weird one and not on the scale
at all, I realized that there is no black and white definition of
demisexual.
</p>
<p class="para13">
The word “many” is vital because, much like sexuality as a whole,
not all those who define themselves as demisexual describe
themselves exactly the same. The main similarity is the focus on
secondary sexual attraction over primary sexual attraction.
According to The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to
Asexuality by Julie Decker, the primary sexual attraction is defined
as an attraction that is based on “looks or voice or chemistry or
charisma,” where secondary sexual attraction is defined as “more
gradual.” It is a sexual attraction that comes about only after “ an
emotional bond is formed. This can be something that occurs
simultaneously, or one may feel primary sexual attraction followed
by secondary. However, for someone who would consider themselves
demisexual, there often is no primary sexual attraction.
</p>
<p class="para14">
When I see someone for the first time, I may initially think that
person is attractive but there is no sexual attraction. I don’t know
that person. Why would I feel sexual desire for them? I thought that
was how everyone felt until I learned that my friends often felt
sexual desire based on primary attraction.
</p>
<p class="para15">
Demisexuality is one area on the asexuality spectrum that is
overlooked because of its vague, loose definition. In Let Them Eat
Cake: On Being Demisexual, Cara Liebowitz argues, “people don’t have
sex unless an emotional bond is connected.” She states that by this
standard, one-night stands would not exist. There are plenty of
situations that call for leading with primary sexual attraction
rather than secondary.
</p>
<p class="para16">
In Getting Familiar with the Sexual Spectrum, Bri Griffith of Carlow
University, explains that while someone who is not on the asexual
spectrum may feel sexual attractions to those they find attractive,
whether the person is a classmate, a coworker, or a stranger,
someone on the spectrum may develop a sexual attraction after
forming that emotional bond. Even then, they may choose to have sex
or they may still not have an interest in it. Because it is a
spectrum, it is hard to pin down a definite definition as everyone
experiences it slightly differently.
</p>
<p class="para17">Understanding who we are.</p>
<p class="para18">
Labels are not always necessary but can be the key to understanding.
With labels, we are able to dive into definitions and others’
experiences and discover if we relate to them. I had to do a lot of
research to fully commit to the idea that I identify as demisexual.
Through that ability, I have discovered a lot about myself.
</p>
<p class="para19">
In my 25 years of life, I have had true feelings—past my middle
school crushes—for two people. My first real “crush” was in college.
I found this guy attractive but didn’t truly think anything of it
until we became friends. I fell hard but he didn’t share my
feelings. But, I had spent so much time developing those feelings
that turning them off and moving on was not easy—I was emotionally
invested.
</p>
<p class="para20">
Years later, I became friends with another guy for whom I fell hard.
Even after I developed feelings and experienced a sexual attraction
towards him, I still had no interest in having sex with him. I
wanted to be next to him and to cuddle with him but that was it.
Maybe if we had continued to get to know each other that would have
changed. I don’t lack interest in sex, I just don’t feel that urge
the way a lot of people do.
</p>
<p class="para21">
My lack of sexual interest at that time is best explained by Jessica
Wendroff in I’m Demisexual: You Have To Seduce My Heart Before You
Can Seduce My Body. She states that “In contrast to those who can
“hit it and quit it,” demisexuals choose sexual partners very, very
carefully. We want to look into the eyes of a partner and see
someone worthwhile staring back.” It is a very vulnerable act that
involves trust and, for me, to establish that trust means taking a
lot longer to get to know someone and ensuring a foundation of
friendship.
</p>
<p class="para22">
At that age, I had only cuddled with one person before and had one
person try to kiss me. I was drunk in the first instance and the
second, I froze because I did not find him attractive in that way
and I could not seem to make myself fake it. It felt like it was
something I should do and I was very frustrated that I could not and
did not feel that way. I have spent a long time just wishing I could
be “normal.”
</p>
<p class="para23">
Freedom to authentically experience your sexuality.
</p>
<p class="para24">
Just because it is difficult to do studies on asexuality and
demisexuality or the spectrum as a whole, does not mean it lacks
normalcy. Especially if going off the idea of just focusing on your
normal. According to CJ Deluzio Chasin in Theoretical Issues in the
Study of Asexuality, “difficulties arise when participants are
inconsistent in their self-identification as asexual.” That can be
the issue with trying to pin down a label. Even within the scale,
there is still another scale. The only thing that is normal is what
you make it.
</p>
<p class="para25">
There should be no norms when it comes to sexuality. As with most
things, it is important to just be who you are and not feel
apologetic. Life is not black and white and neither is sexuality.
Whether you feel primary sexual attraction before secondary, both at
the same time, or no sexual attraction at all, what matters is that
you allow yourself the freedom to experience your sexuality in
whatever way feels right to you, without the pressure of defining it
to make someone else feel comfortable.
</p>
<p class="para26"></p>
<h1>Written By Parker Sealy</h1>
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